My Letters To America

American Toys

2009-10-22T03:13:00.000-04:00

Tired of moving... and those visions in my head painting me pictures of leaving over and over. I don't know why I hate leaving. I have nothing to miss. I have no heart that misses... I am isolated with a thin invisible layer of ice that can not be broken, it has been tested by many bombs. I am trying to think why do I hate leaving, there is only one reason, it reminds me of the first time I ever left and believe me I left a lot behind.

What about you America? Aren't you tired of leaving? I don't think so... I don't think you have left anything behind... you are too young to understand what does it mean to leave your heart somewhere and go to the other side of the world without it. You are too young to stop staring at your image in the mirror . The mirror that is not more than an imaginary portrait you carry around to convince everyone that it is you. You are too young and foolish, you will see scary things when you grow up. Be always ready America for the time your fake mirror will stop lying to you.

Faces pass by. Faces come and faces go. Empty eyes sliding away without leaving any trace.

America, why this city makes me feel so old?
Why do I feel like I have lived a thousand years and I am interested in nothing new or old. Why do I wake up every morning sad. I tried the American way food and shopping, didn't work. The Iraqi way, calling home, worked for the one night until morning came back and stripped away all the comfort my mother's voice has left.

America! Why am I telling you this? It is not like you care about how I feel. I told you America, you are too young and too foolish to care about how we feel. You are like a child, bored child, that needs interesting toys all the time to be entertained and not hurt himself. Iraq was a game that got too complicated for you so you found your closing line, it is Iraqis responsibility to finish the game. you bribed some murderers and bought some gangs to fight your wars and left. Left to your other more interesting toy Afghanistan. One would think that you have learned from the past that some games can grow into nightmares, but you never learn. You don't even admit it. Do you tell your self that you just go to higher more challenging level of games, is that what you thought of Alqaeda and Taliban?

Enjoy playing America.... One day playing time will be over and you will grow , though it is already too late.

Cities....

2009-09-18T00:08:00.001-04:00

I can't love this city that I moved to. My first couple of months in the US it seemed to me that all cities and all people here similar that it was rediculous how much Americans talked about the big differences and they liked cities and hated cities so much. It took me a while to hear the heart beat of each city and realize how different they can feel.

This city lacks brain. It looks to me full of people who think that they are smart enough to run the world but actually I don't see why they think they have brain at all. They are too important to be nice they are not comfortable with themselves. I don't think I have met anyone so far that looked happy. Every thing here is cold except the weather. City that have no spirit no charachter. It is big and stuffed with big things, big square buildings and big monements that add more fakeness to it. Pretencious. Alot of loud statments and no meaning.

I whish that all of you America would look like the city I left behind. When I started to know you America I knew you through the eyes of that city. I have a friend that I told couple of times that I learned this or that about people here or I like this or that in this country and my friend used to say " no! You can't think of this city as if it is the whole country. You would be surprised how much most Americans are not just different from what you see there but they don't even think of this state as part of America" my friend was right I am surprised how much many Americans even hate that city. I wished that he was wrong. I wish that all America would look like that city. Though It is small but it feels bigger with its history and design, elegant smart and open minded. It is full of surprises. It has taste. It has some strange effect on people live in it. You see a touch of its spirit in their eyes. There is a flood of strangers fill the city every year new people come and almost equal number leaves every year but the city looks as strong and prodly keep it's face and its spirit and never lose its harmony. Just walking around its old streets fill you with peace and a sense of love. A city that tries to be truth to itself though sometimes its pride keep it blind like every where in america but least it is trying to see and listen very hard. A city that doesn't leave its poor people sleep without a roof even if it has to spend rather foolishly not to let them freez all night.

But here... I hate using the metro here at night becase when I leave the station I would have to walk by people buried under old blankets on the floor. Heartless city.
Every body here is a stranger no matter how long they lived here. You feel that they have nothing in common, it is like they hate each other.

You have many faces America and this is anothere one I don't like.

I think that two good things happened to me when I came here the first one is the city I started in and second the blessings of not watching American TV for my first two years. That is a whole different issue that I am not going to talk about but I honestly believe that there should be a new rule here preventing none Americans from watching American TV for least their first year. How can anyone starts learning about this country by watching TV will form any positive opinion about it. It is realy awfull.

If Americans realy want change then they have to change those two; their TV and their DC.

Many Things From Nonsense to Russia

2008-08-19T03:52:00.001-04:00

I wrote what I feel
Then I deleted what I wrote.... Having the little power to delete words I wrote makes me feel that I might remove the feelings they carried as well…

*******

Sometimes being alone facing a white wall let as know about ourselves more than mirrors… Sometimes writing words without reason let us see what is hidden between our heart and fingers

Sometimes we need to be honest on how much we are scared of all that we don’t know about our human nature

*******

It was amazing watching that man_a friend_ pouring his ideals and morals in our ears… we do that … we all have higher values we are sometimes too weak to keep to ourselves… but I was listening and thinking what would that man do if he was a soldier in a dictator’s army, what would he do if he was a victim of other men and what would he do if every thing in one minute went wrong in his life… what would he do if he would face a challenge where he has a choice of doing one of two immoral things. We all feel weak sometimes and let ourselves talk about the great things we believe in… but I learned that none of what we say we believe in is true until it is tested… some people are lucky or unlucky they pass with little tests. I think that life is some tests but not tests we wait for to come (like what religious say when bad things happen) but many tests that we go to… it is not about gains it is about discovery… it is not about fear it is about being brave enough to face a challenge… I don’t understand why I feel fear time to time even with no reason… it just feels like there are many unknown things on the way and once I don’t see where is the battle I fear it will fall over my head in one second… I don’t really know why with all those thoughts and believes I panic sometimes over silly things and walk carelessly facing a fast car inches away. We are mysterious creatures.

What it is, America, that makes us so mysterious?

Probably ignorance…Probably lies we tell ourselves to keep things within the frame we chose for our pictures or least that what you do, aren’t you?

I looked at a picture of a Georgian woman walking away of a burning home… I watched ABC news today, in the two minutes they reserved for WORLD NEWS (all the world) was another Georgian woman saying “How I feel about Russians? They killed my brother.” Then for few seconds there was a tank shoving away police cars. That was surprising. I didn’t know that tanks can push cars I thought they can only run over them and crush them. Other than that the rest looked familiar. Oh! That is not entirely true because there was strange picture showing Georgian soldiers like defeated angels walking by burned town. It is strange because the Georgian soldiers I met the few times I was unlucky enough to pass through their check points were horrible and crazy that passing the worst American check points compared to them would be a good luck. I could see the devil in their faces.

America, what you think Russians tell their soldiers and their people to justify the horrible things happening their? I don’t know… Maybe “There is no war without accidental civilian casualties” or “Mistakes happens and soldiers are doing the best they can and react only to threats without any intension of harming civilians” of course what else do you think they would say? I am sure there is a lot of talk about “Evil Georgia” “saving Russian citizens” “defending Russia and its interests” it could be even more like “fighting Georgians in Georgia before they have to fight them in Russia” or “we are liberators not invaders” I am not sure about religious reasons but we never know, politicians usually use religion when it comes to war even if they have no God. Is there anything they say can justify what is happening?

Don’t be in shock America of their propaganda and horrible actions... When it comes to war you know how much lies politicians would pile in the face of their people and the world.

Well I talked a lot but “Do you know what I mean?”

I Have the Last Smile

2008-07-27T16:49:00.003-04:00

The father 70 years, generous man and honest merchant. He loved to bring people together specially for barbecue and trips. His house was never without a guest. He and his wife helped many people they never rejected people asking for financial help even when the time was too hard for that kind of help. They even took care of a whole family when the father was captured during Iraq-Iran war (1980-1988) until the father came back, they offered him a job then later he was partner with one of their sons in a separate business.

Since his son was kidnapped he lived in a different world. He did not talk about it or about anything else, only silent tears, and time to time he would say things like "my son is gone" as if he was announcing it for the first time. He never believed for a minute that his son would come back, each time people say things to give the family hope, though he seemed absent minded sometimes he would shake his head and cry bitterly repeating his announcement that his son was gone.

He always embarrassed me with the nick name he chose for me and his praise in a full room of all kind of people, who most of the time I didn't know.

What else can I say about the dead man. He loved life and was good cook specially grilled meat and chicken, Ramadan desserts, his great vinegar besides olives and pickle.

Oh... and I have a picture of him the last time he smiled.

If there is heaven I pray it were he is.

19 Years Old Story

2008-07-11T05:18:00.002-04:00

She is following me. Her eyes are there with all those calm tears flowing simply peacefully. I was a child in 1989 with my family in the north with a tourism company and almost a group of 40 people from Baghdad on a vacation. She sat beside me one night on the bus. I don't know why she suddenly opened her heart to a child and could say all those things that one probably won’t talk about but to a very close and a trust worthy friend. That was long long ago but with no reason her story just came back to me few days ago. I didn’t keep my promise to her not to tell anyone, I told my mom the next day. I couldn’t understand… that why I needed my mom to listen… I wanted to watch my mom’s reaction to know was it bad was it all a lie, it sounded like a movie or an imaginary story. Girls don't share love stories or admit them. It is usually a girl's most protected secret. Love was usually something people would deny unless they were married not something to talk about openly and simply. It seemed unrealistic. My mom just cried and said only one sentence “oh… poor little girl”. Couple of years after that my mom went to where that girl was working to check on her. There was some news that closed the story for my mom. It was a sad story that supposedly ended well. Why would a complete very much not a unique story would suddenly appear in my mind this way... strong and vivid…sad and heartbreaking? Why?It is like a nightmare sneaks to my thoughts and feelings. Her words… her tears… and all those feeling she described. I was only a child a very logical smart child but I couldn’t understand death and why people can’t accept it. I couldn’t understand love, it was so stupid.

The first night I remembered her I couldn’t sleep until 7 in the morning.

This is her story her feelings and my words…

“I am the only child for my old parents. He was the only young man in my life that was allowed to be so close to our family and to me. My parents thought he could give me some lessons in math that I wasn’t good at, after all he was a relative ... a decent polite young man that they could trust to be with me for couple of hours every now and then helping me with hard classes, they loved him before I did. For them I was only a child and he was about to graduate from university (back then when a young man graduate from college was considered a mature and responsible man). He graduated and was taken to war and I grew up and fell in love. ” Her face was glowing as if she recalled all the happiness she once felt. “It wasn’t like those love stories in movies. It wasn’t one look or a sudden feeling. When he first came to help me with my school work and to review some materials with me, I was impressed with how smart he was.. he just seemed to know everything not just with my classes but also he was helping my father fixing things around the house. I have never heard anyone say anything bad about him. Everyone loved him. As a shy girl it was very hard for me to sit with him thinking how stupid he must thought I was. But later I trusted him and got used to show it when I felt stupid. I didn’t fall in love… I grew and my feeling towards him grew. Like small seeds growing to a big tree and you wonder every day you watch it if this can grow any bigger and it always does. Since he went to war he visited us each time he came on a leave from his military service for one whole precious day of his three days which includes transportation. Each time I thought that I couldn’t love him more than that… there couldn’t be more love in this world than that, he would come on a leave and I would see how much more I could love him. I don’t know how my life became all about him. I did my best in school to impress him I did everything thinking how I would tell him about it. I was living for him and to see him for a day every leave… could be in weeks could be in months but it was what gave all the meaning and joy to my life. I didn’t know it was love until he told me so… his few love letters were my treasure music prayers and air. When he told me that he was planning to propose and ask my parents permission to marry me next summer after I finish high school before I would go to college, it was like he touched me with magic and gave me wings. I wasn’t walking I was flying. I could never be sad or angry about anything in the world I only could feel and think about him, he was the whole world. He told his family. I was too shy to tell even my mother but they all knew… they were all expecting and waiting. I couldn’t wait for summer. It was getting closer and my final high school exams were coming at last. We ere so happy until one day before he left our house he told me like usual to take care of my parents and study well then he asked me to promise him that I would be happy no matter what would happen to him. He was very sad and I was very mad. How could he ever say something like that? after all it made no sense that something would happen to him how am I going to to live? it is impossible! God can't be so cruel.. we are getting married in few months. I tried to forget it until one day I felt that my soul was being taking from me… I couldn’t sleep for a week I was crazy worried about him. Then it was on the news that a battle was there where he was. Next day we got a call from his brother telling us that his body was on the floor of their living room. I lost my mind or that what everyone thought. I was telling them that he was coming back… he had to… I was 17 I never wanted anything badly that I couldn’t get… this wasn’t anything this was all my life…I stopped eating, talking, sleeping I was falling in the void. Doctors, hospitals and medicine couldn’t really help me. It didn’t make sense that I couldn’t see him or be with him, his voice and face were filling my world, they still are. I am talking to him all the time and when I need him I would have a dream where he would talk to me and answer my questions. After a year living dead my father got really sick and everyone accused me of killing him slowly… since then I started to pretend for my old parents that I am living. I didn’t know how to live I couldn’t remember life before him or ever imagined life without him. I was like a child, just did what I was told and pretend to sleep and pretend to eat and pretend to be watching TV with my parents. My father got better, by then it wasn’t as hard to pretend… I was acting which made everyone’s life little bit easier. I couldn’t go back to school or even think about it… I took some training and started work as a nurse… watching people on the line of life and death...people in pain like he was…some people I helped get better like I wished for him. I go to bed every night thinking I might not wake up tomorrow...I could die and be with him. Every day I open my eyes I say to myself that I have one more day to live… just one more day.” She was wearing headscarf. Only few women wore headscarf by that time mostly old women. “I pray all the time for him. At the beginning I hated God but he told me in one dream that it was wrong and that I shouldn’t. I started praying since then…praying for him, God is the only one with him… then I started thinking that he was too good to live with us and God loved him too much to let him here in this world. Then I learned to submit to whatever God wants. That made life bearable. It has been almost 5 years and sometimes when someone knocks the door I run thinking hoping it could be him.”

My mother went to the hospital where she worked around mid 90’s to ask about her. I couldn’t forget her story because I couldn’t understand; my mother couldn’t stop thinking about her because she understood. They told my Mother that she got married to a man I can’t remember if he was widower or what but they said he was a good man, they didn’t know if she would go back to the hospital after her marriage leave or not. I hope that she didn’t get married to please her parents. I hope she is happy though it is hard for me to imagine happiness there but who knows where she could be now.

Maybe breaking my promise to her about not to share her story one more time will help me stop thinking about her. I just want to stop feeling sad for a period of someone's life...She passed it... She started another life. She is the only one who talked to me about it because I was too young during 80's Iraq-Iran war. How many women lived this story? How many women are living this story? How many will?

What to Do!

2008-04-21T13:34:00.000-04:00

America,

Couple of days ago I went to watch a documentary about Iraq. It was directed by an Iraqi man in 2003. It was the first time I watch a documentary or anything about Iraq without tears. It wasn't Iraq through a pity eye of foreigners, it was Iraq after war through an Iraqi eye whether I agree with that Iraqi or not least thing to be said is that it was a real picture without much enforcement to translate the pain or hope to American colors picture. It was simply what people where saying after war. No drama has been added... no more drama was needed. It is not an art work to make things more interesting. Iraqis are not Egyptians, they never felt it is necessary to make the truth surrounded by anything else assuming that everyone in the world sees things through their eye where mere truth is more interesting by itself. Iraqis are probably wrong in their assumption, and we have long way to go before we learn in Iraq how to communicate our simple facts to this selfish world where you need to make a show just to say things like put murderers in jail or stop shooting innocents.

What stopped me and was about to bring me to tears was an American man who spoke during the discussion that followed with the film director.

"I am American man from the suburb. I feel sorry for all what is going on and for what we did to your country. I want to do something but I don't know what to do. I sent my son to Syria to help Iraqi refugees there but I don't know how helpful was that. How can we help? Tell me something my family and I can do"

Then the film director who is an Iraqi professor in a university in NYC replied. I am not going to write all what he said, you know professors love to talk, but I will just mention some of it.
" What you do is great.... You did more than most Americans who are not paying attention or feeling guilty for supporting..........(long speech about sleeping Americans). Raise awareness, talk to people continue what you are doing....... Americans need to stop this from happening again under their names...."

OK! But! What are we telling the man to do to help our people? What was the message to all Americans who were sitting their.

"I want you to feel the pain. I am here showing you this film not to sleep tonight. I want you to feel guilty" That what Sinan Anton said at the end of the evening.

Sinan is doing what many people are trying to do, telling the truth they see and show true color picture. America! That is all great but! When that American man asked that question, Sinan didn't have the answer neither any of the Iraqis who were sitting there including me. Yes! I always say ' Prevent another Iraq from happening again' but that moment this wasn't an answer.
We realize that our Iraq is gone and the Iraq we wanted is not possible any more. We are angry and sad beyond words and pictures. If we are saying there is nothing to be done. IF we are telling you America that all we want from you is not to sleep tonight and feel guilty. If we are going home feeling that we did what we can by making you, America- the monster, feel sorry for your mistakes and feel sad for our pain. If we can go to sleep telling ourselves that it is their turn to take sleeping pills then there is something wrong.

I never believed in transferring pain. There is no video or picture, not 1000 page of daily Iraqi tragedy can make one person feel that pain. I don't want you to feel pain America! I don't care how guilty you feel. This is not going to change my life nor the life of 26 million Iraqis. This is not going to change simple little reality that Iraq's future for 50 years to come is being destroyed with all those children growing up in burning country and God knows what values they held. How much anger do they have? What do they believe in? I don't know but I know your hopes of your happy end where there will be only some sad stories in history books and many many poor people grow to be beggars, farmers or gangs fighting each other away from you is not going to happen. This world is getting smaller and you America will eat the food you cook.

I know that you are not so smart America. But If the whole world told you to feel guilty and not sleep the night only, you shouldn't be that stupid to believe it. You have to fix it, not to prove that you are noble but least be selfish enough if not to let the world see that you are not as stupid as they think.

You do what you want as always, which is not the best for you necessarily, but I know that we, Iraqis, should not sleep before we are able to answer when the next American feels guilty and ask 'What can I do?'.

One in Black Day

2008-04-08T20:50:00.000-04:00

I wear black today. My little flag was on my shirt. With my black hair and red shoes, it felt right.
It is my day in April. April knocking again. Five years can't take the pain away... I almost stopped wishing for that.

People today were having a normal life... Can anyone be blind not seeing the anger not hearing the screams which I feel live through the years so vivid but maybe only in the prison of my memory. those people seem to pass the day without noticing anything that happened on the other side of the world. Five years ago it was impossible for me to imagine that around the world life was just going on. Today I am looking around watching people, wondering if that what things were like five years ago when time stopped for us.. When we walked to death in the slowest pace.... When it all fell apart... When we went back to life, though around a hundred men and kids didn't.... When all that happened people were going to work.. worried of missing a train... thinking of the coming final exams, looking for jobs... sipping coffee... excited about spring.

I promised them I will not forget... I am keeping my promise... I am sorry that our front door was locked because I insisted on my father to do so..though he thought I was crazy, he did it on a break in the middle of the fight. We found a shot in the lock. some of them wanted to break in... It is true that they maybe were fighters who wanted to use the house in the fight and get us all killed but they might been just wounded kids looking for a shelter to die in peace. This last thought tortured me for long nights. I know they don't care about it now... but I know how horrible it is to die like they did... if they only knew that they will be buried... If they died in one piece... If .... I know it is not the same... I know that what I did possibly save my family but it is still painful to think that someone died in horror because the door was locked...

Sometimes memories pass through my eyes like a movie ... like if they happened in a different life but when I close my eyes and hear those screams again, it is not like yesterday but more like if its happening everyday to me...

I don't want to be killed. I don't want another human to take my life. I want to look at God face without fear... without questions and die in peace... Everyone should!

I Don't Speak Arabic

2008-02-09T06:58:00.000-05:00

She came to my house for help.
I am Iraqi. She is Palestinian. That was entertaining for her, unfortunately not for me. First thing she said was
"Did you hear the news?"
"What news?"
"The last report about the estimation of the number of people who died in Iraq, they say it is more than a million"
"Oh! Yes.. well I estimate a million in 2003 only"
"Yes during the war Americans ...."
"No! Actually I meant during the chaos after war "
"Million is a big number for them to face. They were crazy when there was a talk of 400,000. They denied the 400 thousand let's see what they gonna say now.They deserve it "

Oh! The subject wasn't about Iraq! It was about Americans. When I stopped being stupid and realized that, I remained quiet. I am not interested in talking about my people as numbers or sharing her excitement because the number was too big for the administration to cover or deny. Same time I wasn't rude enough to express my opinion honestly about what she was saying.

I changed the subject to what we were doing finally. After few minutes she started again:
"We love Saddam"
....
"Half of the kids in my town now are named either after Saddam or his sons "
....
"I have all the songs that were made for him I look for them and download them"
"Are you serious?"
"I love him. Of course I am serious. He was the only one who helped us. He was the only real man among Arab. He educated our sons and daughters for free in Iraq. He treated sick Palestinians for free in Iraqi hospitals."
"Yeah! He paid for Arabs from other countries to come and study in Iraq and let Iraqis leave their schools because they couldn't survive without working all day. He treated Arabs for free in Iraq while Iraqis were dying"
"Look at the big picture. He was a hero..."
"You know what, I have something else to do. You go ahead finish and consider yourself at home"
"No please, stay just little bit more I can't finish all that.... I will send you this Palestine CV. There is a part saying' I had 23 brothers but my older brother died and I am an orphan after him...' let's face it, all other Arab countries are not even worth cursing and after Saddam, honestly, we consider Iraq dead"
......
"Don't be mad, it is a fact. Iraq died after Saddam"
.....
"Honestly, we are happy for what is going on there now"
I was thinking that I got that wrong or I didn't hear well.
She continued "We don't want anyone to die but we are happy for what is going on in Iraq now. Oh! by the way what is your family name?"
I was now sarcastic telling her my last name which was neutral "and why are you asking?"
"nothing just curious but I meant your family name as tribe name"
"Oh! Is it time now to classify me as sunni or shia? "
"You should be proud of what you are no matter what"
"I am proud of what I am. I am Iraqi Muslim. That is not enough for you!"
"I didn't mean any thing."
"You did. I really have to go finish my work" I left the room
"wait don't leave me please I can't finish alone"
"Maybe Saddam or Uday will send you angels from the sky to help you. Sorry I can't"
......
That is why I avoid speaking Arabic. I learned that the hard why. When I first came I was happy to meet Arabs selling at a store or working at a restaurant. I spoke to them in Arabic, gave them double tip. 90% of the time it was a stupid thing to do.

Once at a Lebanese restaurant I was with American friend. When the waiter knew that I am Iraqi he welcomed me in Arabic then asked me about my name. I told him my first name but he asked for family name. I didn't get it that time I told him with a surprised look but obviously it wasn't satisfying enough, he said "I thought it could be Ali or Omar". Only then it came to me that his question was Shia or Sunni, all I said was "NO".

Almost every time I face the same question. While non-Arab respect my answer as 'Iraqi only', it is never enough answer for most Arabs I meet. I have to be Shia or Sunni. I have to satisfy their sick curiosity and lack of respect for Iraqis tragedy. They need to know which side I am on to enjoy attacking me or attacking the other side. I remember the day before Christmas a year a go. I was invited for Christmas dinner next day and I was all day with friends who came from other states. I remembered that I forgot to buy anything as gift only when all stores were closing. One of my friends, who was from Dominican Republic, offered to come with me to look for any store that might be opened. We finally found one, I picked something and gave it to the seller to rap it. His phone rang and he was speaking Arabic. When he asked me which color I prefer I answered him in Arabic with a naive smile. He asked from where I am, then my name, then if I was Sunni or Shia. "I am Iraqi Muslim" But that wasn't something he could understand.
He started his flood of nonsense. He was mentioning weird things as a mere truth of what is going on in Iraq including a completely reversed news. I corrected him but he said
"No you are wrong"
"Well I came four months ago from Iraq and I know what I am saying"
"My brother was working in Iraq during 80's " that was 20 years ago I couldn't really see how it was relevant to his stupid theories. Then he add one more source "I listen to news every day .. and I write them down. I know everything"
Yaser went on and on with the crazy things he was saying. He ended up glorifying Al Qaeda supporters in Iraq. I asked him if he belongs to a group that feeds Al-Qaeda ideology in Iraq. He stopped talking for a moment looking at me thinking how to avoid 'Yes'. He decided to pretend that he didn't hear the question and continued his stupid imaginary events and analysis.
Meantime my Dominican friend was in panic. He couldn't understand a word we were saying but Yaser looked scary for him with his beard and tense discussion. He went outside looking for our friends then he came back. He called someone, then finally he decided to save me "We have to go" it was only then that I noticed how uncomfortable he was. He looked at Yaser " sorry to interrupt". When we left he told me "I was afraid that this guy would do something to you" he added "What could I do if he did something to you. I thought the best thing is that we leave. Sorry, if I was rude". I explained to him that Yaser was only a stupid man and stupid people in Arab countries discuss politics this way, though , he wouldn't do anything to me. I thanked him for saving me. I wish there was someone to save me all the times I couldn't realize that those people are speaking different language and belong to some imaginary world in their heads.

I am happy to limit the Arabic I talk here to my Iraqi friends and the very few reasonable Arabs I know. I realized that we don't speak the same language. The level of hypocrisy some of them living is hard for me to live with. I can't really relate to that nonsense anymore.

One Iraqi man told us a story about two guys he met one of them was Saudi and the other was Kuwaiti. When they started the speech about how can he be here in America and how can he not be there fighting Americans in Iraq. He asked them why are they in America and why they opened their land for Americans to attack Muslim country like Iraq without fighting them.

When I meet those people I just wonder if the problems of Arabs now are in their dictators only. I wonder if the language they are speaking is Arabic at all. If it was, then I don't understand it. Maybe what I am speaking is not Arabic after all. I think that is right, I don't speak their Arabic at all.

Al Hili

2008-01-24T22:15:00.000-05:00

I tried to remember the poem of the famous poet Safi Aldien Al Hili I could remember one verse but one word. WHITE ____, our battles BLACK , Our homeland GREEN and our swords RED. It is a classic Arabic poem full of pride and arrogance. We learned it by heart with so many others in Arabic language and literature class. I forgot what was white, I have all the right to forget the white but I wanted so bad to know. I googled it. I wrote in Arabic Al Hili. The page was full of jewelry , dessert recipes and a lot of Saadi Al Hili's songs. I doubted for a moment that there was such a poet. I found him after all with this famous poem at the third page. What is going on to have Arabic web pages full of singer food and jewelry but ignoring such great poet. Anyway, I found the white it was "our deeds". I forgot what was white I have the right but the next generations will forget the green too.

They were the Iraqi flag colors. We used to repeat that verse a lot when we were kids at school connecting the colors of the flag with the pride and power of the old poem.

They changed the flag. No stars and nothing green. Blood and sadness were left alone fighting over the little white in the middle. I just don't see why the white still in the flag at all. Oh! Maybe it is left for the next parliament to take care of it and have an a achievement to make.

The funny thing is they changed the flag because it was changed to that by Baathist but same time they Bathist be part of the parliament and kept the changes that was made by Saddam Husein!

Someone thought that stars are not important to guide us in the dark nights not we need green to grow and fight the blood and black sadness and smoke. The green was a problem that why they removed it from flag and before that from streets. Stars were bigger problem I don't remember seeing any since war started except on the flag as smoke was covering Baghdad sky since day one war till now.

If Alhili is not forgotten yet then he will be soon. The one day I spent looking for the poem I was looking at so many other poets and beautiful poetry. It was such a journey made me think how much my life was rich reading all the poetry I read and how much the new generation is missing not having a chance to know but little of any higher level of poetry than songs of Hussam al rassam and Chaechan stupidity on Arabic TV channels.

You Are Ugly Tonight

2008-01-22T04:35:00.000-05:00

Tonight.. You.. You look ugly America!
You are ugly tonight...
Like the wounds you leave behind... Like your lies.. Like your selfishness. You have so many faces, now your cruel hard face full my sky.

I was sitting in my big chair .. No I curled in it like a fetus in a womb. It makes me feel safe. With a sad angry singer first singing then followed by Um Kalthoum's confident strong voice, too many memories were running in front of me for hours.

There is a little secret window we can look through it at our souls. I was looking through mine. There were so many scars and pain you caused. Too much pain to ignore or to live with. I will leave. Next summer America you will enjoy it alone, without me.

Do You Have Memory?

2008-01-15T02:16:00.000-05:00

America,
I figured out the secret. I was watching a movie, a love story. There was a scene, one minute or two, about WWII. Do you know what I did? I closed my eyes and listened instead of looking. I do that to see how good they could do war scenes. War is sounds plus other things that would follow. You can't have a good scene with some noise that should mean "bombs", the music of terror and death. You should learn how to play it right on the screen like you play it madly on the ground, America. It is least you can do. Anyway, I closed my eyes... in a second I was in tears. It is annoying and embarrassing each time this happens. I was alone today in my room watching the movie, but if I am with friends, it is just silly. I hate it when I feel those tears in my eyes in a second no matter what is the movie about, as long as there is a battle. Once I went with two Indian friends to watch Pirates of the Caribbean. Who on earth would go in tears during that movie? I did. I was lucky that the guy sitting in the chair in front of me was really tall and there was empty chairs beside me so I moved leaving a chair empty on both sides. That was perfect, none really knew that I closed my eyes and listened in the last big battle for seconds only to spend the rest of the movie fighting tears.

Just now I figured it out. I should keep my eyes open. That is it.

America! Don't close your eyes. Bad things happen sometimes when you do. I, personally, will keep my eyes open and look instead of listening for the next movies. You'd better do the same in your current campaigns- movies. When you close your eyes you will give words and sound power and excess to manipulate you, to reach to your deep hidden memories, hopes and dreams. When they talk, open your eyes. It is not only about words, but who says them too. Like those bombs in movies, it is not the sound who makes me cry it is the memories that connected to it. If I keep my eyes open those battles will stay in the studio where they were filmed and won't jump into my memories. When I close my eyes the source of images my head will be flooded with is not the movie but the real war I have been through. You let fake things drag a lot of real things from you and mix with it. True good real things would be be like a beautiful box carrying trash of lies.

America! Don't close your eyes. It is the secret for those of us who have memory to stay in reality and not be fooled by sounds of battles or words of presidents.

Oh! America! Do you have memory?

You Did That !

2007-10-11T01:32:00.001-04:00

America…

I went on a trip with some friends. I lost my watch. It was very sad thing to lose this one. I was upset… I was sad. I kept repeating “I want it back”.

There is another thing making me little sad lately, my hair. When I first arrived here I didn’t know what is wrong with people in America. They would stop me in a store to say “your hair is beautiful”. It was nice to hear it every day. Once someone was looking at me in annoying way, “I am sorry but can I touch your hair”. After one year in America my hair is really tired that it is falling, my hair use to be like my mother’s rarely fall. Now, my hair is falling. I don’t know if it is shampoo, water or food.

Did you read what I am writing, America?

Sad because I lost a watch I love and my hair lost the magic of Baghdad nights!!! I am normal!!! I care! I can be silly. I am concerned that much about my hair. It is so amusing that it makes me laugh.

It is reminding me of how happy I was to be able to go out alone when I first arrived a year ago. or the first time I was walking out telling myself to stop being so conscientious of everything around me ready for surprises. It took me a while to be able to walk feeling safe and careless. I smile when I remember that now just like I smile each time I feel sad about my watch or my hair.

You did that. Thank you America!

New Year Gift 1

2007-06-29T12:45:00.000-04:00

One night last January I slept at 3 am the phone rang 5 am, didn’t know if I was dreaming or it was real. It was late when I got up to answer. I couldn’t know who it could be. It was international call but I gave this number to my family the last 2 days only. There is no reason for them to call my cell while they can call my land line cheaper when they know I am home! I went back to bed but it rang again.

“Hello”

“Hello” in Arabic “how are you?”

This wasn’t a family but it was a voice I know well. My thoughts where trying to figure out the wrong way. I was thinking of the circle of people my cell phone number could get to. The only Iraqi female friend that has this number was visiting me and sleeping in the next room that night.

“Who is this?”

“You can't know me?”

“I do but I am confused”

“It is me, H”

“I am sorry” I was still half a sleep. It can’t be more than a joke or wrong number “who?”

“You forget about me? I am your friend H”

“Really?” I woke up.. I jumped from my bed “How are you? I thought I will never talk to you again”

“I want to talk to you”

“How did you get this number?”

“Do you have internet connection? Are you online?”

“Yes” I am in America!!! I do.

She gave me her Yahoo email address I add her and waited. Thinking how could she possibly get my cell phone number? My family left the country and she left to different country before they left. There was no way!!

I was happy. I was excited.

I waited all morning but she never came ... all month.

My Body Decide!

2007-05-03T21:17:00.000-04:00

Few days ago I read news and looked at 300 pictures about Iraq , next morning I was talking to my family. Few hours later I was sick.
"you need to go to the Hospital" the nurse said.
"Now!! I can't. I can't be sick now!" I am busy.
"I am sorry, but you have to go as soon as possible. Listen to me, you are sick!"
It is stress that caused all this, they told me. I am stressed, yes. I am in America, this part of the life that I am not used to and I don't like. It is not stress. All I did was looking at some pictures of my people and listen to the voice of my mother like a divine music, though, discussing some crisis.
A man who was burned to death was the picture that hurt me most. His body was like a statue, with one arm up, like he was waiting for a rope to fall from heaven to lift him up from the fire. I apologized for him because I dare to look at his most personal moment like I am looking at a work of art. I apologized that there are people allow themselves to take pictures with no respect. I felt horrible.
Next morning I was talking to my family looking at their faces on the screen. I could hold my tears till the end. Then I was crying like I haven't cried for months, I really miss them.
Our bodies are miracles. My body wants to stop my emotional pain with physical pain to distract me, to keep my mind off. To push me to think.
I wonder why is it so different here? why are the pain and anger different that much when we are away?
My body forced me to think. I see little light in my heart again and I feel the power of existence.

The Key to Good Death

2007-04-08T18:46:00.000-04:00

It is April America. Still April... Every year, nobody dare to stand up and remove it from the calendar. I think, though, that someone turned the whole year to 12 months of repeated April. I can talk about the crime that called war the way I lived it. I can do that if I don’t feel shame, as what I lived is being lived in Baghdad every April- I mean every month. My April the 8^th was horrible but what can I say when each Iraqi now has his own 8 and his own April.

4 years but the death voice still fresh, like the blood, the smell of the battle, the pain. Fresh, like the face of God memory, horror, the screams of men dying slowly on streets, the waiting for my turn to let my voice up in the face of God- dead people can only see one face.

I think, the key of good death is to let life go. When I finally surrendered to death and God (that day 2003) I felt peace. “I want to sleep” I said calm, after horrible hours, though we were still not done yet “I have headache I can’t take those sounds anymore, if they can just stop for an hour”.. My mom thought I lost my mind or I fainted, my body under her arm relaxed suddenly and I stopped the crazy things I was saying “dear, are you fine?” she said. “Yes, I just need to sleep” when I was free of my persistence to live, everything was clear, I saw things fear didn’t let me see “we will be all fine, don’t be afraid”.

America, do you think Iraq could be better if it just knew the key to good death. Do you know that waiting for death is worst than death itself? Yes, you would beg for a bomb to stop the torture and the scenarios you have in your mind about how you are going to die the next few minutes.
Same in Iraq, if they just finish it all at once, we will be dealing with a fact not waiting for unknown fate between hope and fear. If Iraq is impossible to be, just get people out and leave it completely empty. Turn it to big polluted museum or just huge cemetery. If this will be the end, just do it peacefully and fast. Is it better if Iraq let life go and stop trying to survive?

I grew up believing that my country worth more than my people. If generations after generations of people need to die and suffer to build great country for the future we have to die for the future. They taught me that! Is this what we were dying and suffering for all those years? People still somewhere say “we die to let our country live” as they always did. I can’t understand what does this mean anymore!
All I know is that the people who scream it louder than others don’t die; they become presidents and heroes in school books, but those who believe and follow, die. But the country where all this happens get no better than it was before the big human sacrifice for a flag that equals God.

Even the great example they taught us in school: Algeria.

1.5 million Algerians died to liberate the future Algeria from the French and give their sons and daughters free great country. At the end the leaders became presidents and the sons and daughters of those who died for the future are immigrants in France, their sons and daughters are French!

I don’t believe in revolutions. I don’t believe in wars. I don’t trust those who talk about good, evil and duty.

Harith Al-dhary lead the mosques to urge people to fight and die since 2003. but he is living wealthy life out of Iraq. With huge bank accounts which he got trading with Iraqis sons and daughters lives. But people believe; Arabs pay him and mosques urging people to follow him and die sometimes to liberate Iraq from Americans other times to liberate Baghdad from Shia.

I thought that we created countries and borders to make people’s life better and safer, and we created the flag to unite those people under a symbol. Somehow borders became more important that people and flags became part of wars and strange ideas. In the north they have their own flag but they are part of Iraq. In America they poison death peace with flags filling cemeteries. I visited cemetery seeking for peace; it was painful to see those graves with flags! Are we uniting the dead? I talked little to a woman, before I asked “I am sorry but I want to ask you a question. It is my first time to cemetery here; I don’t understand why people put the flag on graves”

“It is America flag!!” she was looking to me like if I am denying that Jesus was ever born.

“I know but when people die they are just people not Americans not anything”

“I know, you think I don’t know, but this is America flag!”

Ok!! I bet you America that Americans believe if we put this flag on Saddam’s grave he will go to heaven.

God bless America: God discriminate against none-Americans! If Americans say they are dying for other people’s freedom, why is it hard to give a little free bless from God -who many Americans don’t believe in -to non-Americans? I wonder if there is any copy of the bible with the American flag.

It is not right anymore! This country-future-flag invention is not working for people’s good. Is this all we can think of? We invented computers and will go for vacations in the space but we can’t invent values for peace?

But what that has to do with my Key to good death? Just let illusions go and surrender? Will that make peace?

What? Game Over?

2007-04-04T16:34:00.000-04:00

It is snowing again now. I can’t stop the snow from falling. What made me think that stopping the earthquake was possible?

You are running out of the crime scene America! Is it too big for you? It wasn’t at the beginning but you were too small to handle it. Though, those people still live the illusion of the US power and image!!

“We couldn’t stand against war at the beginning because we would have been accused of being less patriotic. It was hard after that to stand and ask to get out of this war because the US image in the world will be weak, losing in front of terrorist” A students’ leader.

Image!!! It's more important than my life and 26 millions people’s lives.

Your image issue now solved. You are not losing “a war against terror” no, not at all, you are just can’t be in the middle of crazy people fighting each other anymore! If they want to fight, what are your innocent soldiers doing there in the danger?

Thank you America! You liberate and left the free men and women to choose the way they want to die, killed inside Iraq or die slow outside watching everything fall.

Take your sons and daughters now. Take them to your heaven! American race doesn’t deserve to live in the Iraq you made us not for a year. They can’t stand watching blood and live in threat but our children can.

Don’t be sad America! Never! You played a game called war, it didn’t work. It is ok! Move on! You have enough ink to full your bookstores and make good profits out of the bad news.

Sell it! You can sell everything America even yourself.

Live your illusions to the end… you will wake up someday. We did! Just let me warn you that it is not pleasant at all.

Anger

2007-02-24T03:20:00.000-05:00

America, what happened?
Why it turned out like this?
I came here with no anger. You give me back all the anger I fought so hard.
What is it? Me , or is it you? Maybe it is what I was criticize about others. I used to know how far the person belong to Iraq and how much he/she didn't see of the situation misery by their anger. I just listen how much they speak about Iraq and how bitter. I know from their voice and anger that they didn't really live it , they were not there in any of the hard times. They are so angry. They argue all the time. They listen to Al Jazeera and read all newspapers; they read books about the war and they so in conspiracy theory. I am not yet doing this ! But I am angry, everyday I feel my anger increase. I can no anger stand comments, I have no tolerance with those stupid people who chose Iraq to be the proof of how smart they are.
Am I finally like those who never really been there? Is it too bad there back home that anger is normal or is it just that I am far now.
Why am I that angry?
Or is it you America?
Is it those people who are apologizing for what happening in my country? They say they could do nothing. I know they are doing enough harm now to apologize for other people 5-10 years from now saying again they didn't want it to happen. They could do something few years ago.
I was so angry when once a man said that he doesn't care about politics, he doesn't like what his government does but he can't change it so he doesn't care. He, as he said, mind his own business and care of nothing but his family and never go to vote.
I don't know how I found myself attacking the poor ordinary American man "you don't have the right to do so" I needed to speak those people just don't understand "if the president of the US decide and effect no more than this country then you can care about your own family and care about taxes and domestic affairs when you vote. When you choose your president you decide the future of millions of people living in countries you know nothing about. You decide for the future of my family and the peace of my people. You either here in America decide not be involved in other countries issues or take responsibility. “

I am reading old articles written by a man described by Americans as one of the smartest writers. When I read I remember my first impression when I saw how Americans were ruling Iraq after war, those people are either so stupid or so bad.

Are you evil America? I can't see your face anymore. Like this city I visited, it was confusing sometimes to know which a woman is and which is a man.
I am confused America!

Too Big For My Feet

2006-11-18T02:39:00.000-05:00

America, I walk on many things to survive the moment.. you can feel things between my feet and your skin crashed. I am trying to walk on my heart but it is too big for my feet.

...............

Today in a kind of review to Iraq recent history I attended, I felt that I am alone , I am not like others. After all I lived, I don't belong.
I am in intensive attempt to be normal.. telling myself it is not true! the pain is not true.. the shock of losing my country personally in new way is not true... in 2007 there will be none I know live there in the part of the world that I call home. I repeated few times that home is people not only a land.. and now I don't know what home will mean when the people are away of the land in nowhere and everywhere? Where is home ? with which of them? in what part ? Does it still home Iraq? but now what is Iraq? Piece of land with no face, with no soul. Big cemetery.

... …….

America!!! I am too tired to explain. My heart is tired and my feet are bleeding. My head is looking for a meaning of home. My soul is looking at the sky like a child trying to see behind which cloud the house of god is hidden, looking for a hole in the sky to see heaven through.

Heaven!!! All Iraq in heaven now!! I know where home is. I am a visitor on earth, with one entry Visa.

Small Pieces Fly Easier to Heaven

2006-11-16T22:43:00.000-05:00

"What is wrong? You look tired"
I have to answer that everyday for the last week!
What could be wrong?? Please!!! What could be right?
Nothing wrong .. He is three and a half years old , his body was torn ... but you know what ,America! He is in heaven !! We have no troubles at all. We are happy sending all those we love to heaven.. it is hard to send them one piece, that is why we are sending them to heaven faster !! America you know small pieces fly to heaven easier!!!
That is only one part of the news I got last week!! If you don't mind, I don't like to share the rest with you, it breaks my heart in a way that I can’t understand myself... for a week now I am recovering from a feeling reminds me with that when Baghdad was just falling in fire..
For the last week I felt again the bitterness of losing Baghdad... I have no home , again ... I have no walls that carry my memories dreams and the face I know of my city. It's like the end of April I am losing everything again, people and walls... I am losing all the pictures that fading in my memory.... I am losing Home ...

But I have no reason to be sad... It is all so simple! Nice logic, people go to heaven and walls are just walls we can build them later , we can make new memories.

America, it hurts so bad! He is only three! I know the mother - my best friend for long time. We chose his name, her son, before even she met her husband. I was there when they met I wrote her poem after poem , she was like "How do you know all that? How you predict things?". I was there when she was in love "I don't know what to do?" my usual answer was "nothing just forget about him"... I thought she deserve the best man in the world. He was great guy , he can find his way in hell.
The last time we talked :
"I am so depressed. I am in the house all the time, you know how it is, we can't go anywhere. My son and daughter are locked in all the day, they look at the door as if it the door of paradise. i never let them go to the street. My son's best dream is to be let free out. We are so scared that something happen to them. The best and only place they go is my family's house , at least we let them play in the garden. I can't take it any more. I am so tired, you can't believe how much I changed ...."
"What happened to you? Are you finally the housewife? I can't believe you. No , you need me to come over to refresh your memory. You forget how you were like? "
"I really forget how my normal life was? how I was ? I am a different person now. But I still have to tell you the bad news. I am pregnant again! I can't take it .. I can't take care of three children in this country .. I will be crazy. I don't know what to do? I know it is bad to say that , it is a gift from God and we can't refuse it. It is what God wants, but I am so tired."
We end the phone call on a promise that I will visit her soon within few days but I didn't. I couldn’t! They were crazy and busy days. I left !

Three are too much for you, dear. That's why they sent you rocket to your house. Now you will have only two! I am sorry my friend I wasn't there. Where to find you again? You left too!

We all leave with wounded hearts. How we love that country that we needed all this pain to leave.

Just for a while

2006-11-01T20:40:00.000-05:00

We are here for a while ..

We have no time for pain.. no time for anger , for sadness .. past!

I am here now .. now ! but not later . I can do now ! but can do nothing later .. later when I die, I will have a plenty of time to look back but then I won't .. we are much wiser when we die.

Fall

2006-10-29T23:08:00.000-05:00

.. Joy and pain ... safe - worried.. relax - nightmares.. I feel opposite feelings same time... all time .. when I am so happy, a bitter tear is so close to fall... everyday I am up and down ten times..
Resisting falling in depression .
******
.. Few times I heard "of course you feel guilty for being here while all your people are suffering there"
Guilty!! I don't feel guilty ..Sad ! yes but why would I feel guilty?.. feel guilty not to suffer like them??? .. I did ... I still live and see life through the broken glass of my house's windows.
Why those people are so insensitive America!!
****
Trees are taking off their colorful dresses and face the sky bare, brown thin bones..
My heart taking off all the mixed confused asnwers and questions.. taking of all fears and what left of anger.. and face god honestly with one stupid word.. one bare question, why?

"Where are you from?"

2006-10-09T18:47:00.000-04:00

"Where are you from?" the question that I hate most.
"Middle east" please don't ask more. Sometimes that would be it. They assume things like Israel or even india(though it is not in the region).
"where?" uh.. the answer depends on how I feel.
"Iraq" sometimes I say it at this point.
how people react is not the same.. I can hear things like: "nice" or "great" that makes me crazy. Once I was rude enough to say "why? why is it great?" ... "oh !! we see Iraq in the news everyday and you are the first iraqi we/I meet.. you take all the attention, it must be great"... oh I am in the news America, I forget !! Cool !
"what is great in being in the news? it means that something bad happen to your country" .. To be honest those 'Nice/ Great' people are not Americans.
Americans reaction differ from a person to another.. young people just look at you.. astonished .. pale face and silent.. some look with doubts or fear but in general, not a word. It is like the end of the conversation, I guess they don't know what to say. Little older, the first thing "I am sorry for what we have done".. sometimes they hug me and cry..

One lady asked me "what you think we should do next elections?" truly I wanted to laugh as loud as I can, she was highly respected and educated, that what made me say whatever came to my mind.
Why would I care about what Americans should do next election??? I would care if I can vote. I can't vote!!! Why?? Why I don't have the right to do so? apparently the election of the president of the US effects my life more than any American. More than 60% of Americans don't vote. Iraqis should get that right! Bush should have run a campaign in Baghdad. America! you think he would have .... ?

One wonderful lady, Linda, surprised me. I asked for a direction, she didn't tell me how to go there, she insisted to walk with me. She asked the usual "where are you from?"
"what do you think?"
"Spain! "
"no"
"Latin America!"
"no"
"Brazil!" she was funny.
"No!"
"Greece!"
"No! just far" I talked about other things to skip that part, but she asked again.
"Middle east!" I said.
"oh!!" she stopped me in the street "where?" .. I could say anything! I said "Iraq"
"is it that bad as we see on TV?” after the usual moment of silence.
"yes"
"I want to ask u a question!" here we are .. I was thinking about the next question: politics, civil war , what should we do? Well if an American meet Iraqi for the first time in his life in three or four minute what could be the question?
"I am always curious about the culture?... " .. She was asking about the culture !!! We talked about the culture there and here!!! I was treated like normal person. I was talking about life not death and war!!! I was like any other foreigner in America, talking about my country like if it was without war! Thank you Linda!

Arabic

2006-09-28T00:31:00.001-04:00

I loved what you did to me here, America! I loved Arabic again since I came here. I was crazy about arabic till war... war made me write something strange oneday I don't remember exactly but it was like" I hate my language ... I wish I can lose it ...I wish I forget it ... don't understand it, that I won't be able to read all what's written in my black memory ". Today, for the first time in America I was in a completely Arabs room. It was nice till they started to repeat all the old newspapers I read when I was a child passionately... I felt I don't want to speak Arabic anymore or want to listen to Arabic again.
"Watch the TV and read newspapers... see how .... "? but I believe we should stop watch news and read newspapers in our part of the world.
The last time I heard anyone speak that "we have culture and history" was Saddam times in midd 90s specially... What does that mean ?? what history means?? "Are we happier in Iraq... We have thousands of years of history... Is that made us better? does that help?"...
America, u think I should be there again? No... I don't have to... I will see once again, if it is all the same! I'd rather speak Arabic with you.

What does it like to be ...?

2006-08-14T21:33:00.000-04:00

What does it like to be Iraqi in America?

What does it like when my Visa is different my rights is less than any other one here . I mean if I was from Iran I would get more rights from the way the DOS looks to things now. I was with a group of people listening to what is our rights here and I was the only one that was refered to as 'not you' .. I was upset .. still upset...
airport!! I got the special treatment with a long line of SSSSSS on my ticket- that means that I am to be checked as a possible terrorist... Why ?? because I am a Moslim??? No it is just because I am Iraqi... the Pakistani and the Irani and whoever around me was fine but Iraqis are not!!! It is the first time in my life I get this special treatment , believe me it hurts. just thinking if they don't tust Iraqis that much why they do give us visa?
How many faces do you have, America? I am counting .. anyway I don't like that one.

.....

Iraqi in America!! I hate to be 'the Iraqi in America' .. I hate the questions .. I hate the looks .. I hate the pre-judgments I am facing and the silly notes like 'Oh you don't look like the Iraqis we see on TV' ...
.....

Iraqi out of Iraq..
I thoght for once that I am fine I can enjoy it and learn to live and dream again .. I am away!! till oneday He was talking about black- Americans and what they suffered in history (so what ? it is history ) yes it was till he started to describe the way one black -american was killed. One tear fell only, I could manage and I was fine till He said that one man kept a finger of that killed man in his office to show it to his friends proudly... Another tear fell but I knew this time that I am not in control. I got out of the room quietly and in a restroom I found that there is still the same pain .. fresh like it is all was yesterday.. I wasn't thinking of anything .. I just cried like I never did in years... 'fingers' a neighbor of mine said about the 8th of Aprill 2003 'I collected 34 body in one street. I collected them heads, arms , legs and fingers'... a finger like the black man's finger.... there are no limits for our ability in this world to be beasts ...
fingers !!! when we stop cutting heads and fingers... we didn't anytime through our human shamful history... When are we going to be humans? not in my life I know.. So please don't tell me stories about heads and fingers... I took my share of awe, shock and terror... find someone new to change the definitions of everything in his head ... please .. I want to feel some peace but how ??? I am Iraqi who has just left hell and everybody wants to know what does it like to live in hell .. what you do everyday ? how you go to work ? how you ? and what do u ? .... questions ... why people are so badly want to know about hell? is that is why we make it to each other?

America, please give me some peace.

Peace Shock

2006-08-09T11:12:00.000-04:00

I have dicovered that peace is just like war a shock.
I took my peace shock in Amman... NO guns No army No tanks No bombs No fear - Is this life possible ? what are those people thinking of all day?.. like when you are frozen and they put you in a hot water ...
Here, I still have some habits. I am very careful where to put my feet, bombs might be any where, 'well there but not here' I have to remind myself! still look at any car passing slowly or very fast with fear looking expecting to see a gun out of the windows.
Here police are not scared! people are relaxed ! I have seen none with a gun and I haven't seen any American bad guys yet!!
If I want to describe life here so far I can say, easy. If those people just find out what does food mean, they should never get sick.
America, I am looking at your green face. I am walking under your rain. The life that stopped under fire may now grow again like a tree after long winter.

Touching You

2006-08-06T20:17:00.000-04:00

I wanted to go to the UK, just to be honest with you...

Then I wanted to go to UAE the same time.. but I was likely to go to Canada!!! I was on the way , mentally at least!!!

So how I got here at th end???

They are asking " is it a big change for you?" !! what can say "No!!"

Tell you secret America, I was here some other life before, maybe!!

Be nice to me America, I have no room in my heart for more wounds and scars.

He Is Missing!

2006-06-28T15:38:00.000-04:00

Yesterday HIS brother said "What you think I should do if they kill my brother or one of my family? Do you think I will do what shiia were doing the last three years, nothing, weeping for the lost loved sons and say that terrorists did it. We know who are doing this. Why don't we stop them? "
His mother said "what should you do?" she was mocking him but she was angry.
"Shiia leaders are useless they are talking about peace while we are being killed every day.. a hundred Shiia are killed every day since 2003 just because they are Shiia. Sunnis gangs are free to kill and rob for three years and we are talking about not letting civil war eat our country, why don't they think about this country too? If we did something about it since the first month and killed those killers we would have never reached this point and peace would have come, but as long as we give them the message that we are afraid and begging for peace they will never stop."
"What are you talking about? Then what? We kill and they kill and how many innocent people will die? What will happen later?" his mother.
"What is your opinion? Let them keep doing this!! They are working and our politicians are talking. They are controlling the media, when a Sunni terrorist arrested they fill the world with lies of innocent Sunnis in the hands of Bader but when dead bodies found they don't even mention it, if they do they don't mention that the dead bodies are for innocent Shiia, sometimes they used the people they killed in their lies as Shiia killed them. They are talking around the world as victims and Americans support them while they are in teir speeches to Arab TV channels are pretending to be seeking for the liberation of Iraq from Americans , they kill Shiia to get more power and money. In the media only their voice is heard because we are not announcing any of the horrible crimes they are doing inside their mosques and every where in Baghdad NOT TO START A CIVLE WAR!!!!" a pause "Every day I leave my house I expect them to kill me after one look at my ID. They are criminals. You don't know anything because nothing is shown on TV biased channels, out there on street there is much more than what we can be tolerant about anymore. We have to start doing something to stop them"
"I can't hear you saying this" she said.

---------------------

I couldn't sleep at night. Am I the only one who still believe that there is no civil war? … I don't know why I didn't stop thinking of all the people who were killed …. The way they were killed… I felt myself in their place … the four Russians .. the two Americans .. Berg .. Saif…the Japanese man.. just like all other Iraqis were left without heads.

---------------------
In the morning a tear was still on my face. Hours later we heard the news.
This morning HE disappeared, HE is gone. He is the one who have nothing to do with politics or sectarians. He is the one who is planning too much for the future with his wife to make their children the best life they can.
He just went out of the house and reached nowhere.
A knife is touching my neck every time I stopped thinking of him.
Where is he now?
His mother has lost her mind.
I pray !! I feel all Iraq is missing. All Iraq was kidnapped.

-----------

Muthna Harth Al-Dary is happy in Egypt and Adnan Al-Dulaimy is satisfied, their civil war in progress. I imagine them smiling : How dare anyone ever think of Iraq not ruled by their madness .

The Last Night to Die

2006-06-16T15:48:00.000-04:00

Oh... America, if you want to kill me, you too, just come and do it now. It is the last night for death. Tomorrow, will born forever if it born.
America, it is your last chance to make me shut up. Or you have to listen to all that I want to say or what I don’t want to. To all that I have to say and what I don’t have. What worse than that? What worse than someone tells you things her head can’t put together, things that may mean nothing to nobody, even to her. What can mean anything in a world of beggars and killers; they beg for anything… they kill everything. A world in which the dreams and lives of millions can be decided to buy some others worthy people (voters, tax payers) or worst, it can be decided to earn a line in history books.
In a world of heroes I have no place, I don’t won’t to be a hero, and of course I won’t play evil that makes heroes, heroes. I need to find some other world on this planet but I have myself that is a big enough world for me though I am mature.
Close your ears I won’t make noise to please you. I will play quietly in my corner. Oh, doesn’t that what you hate most.
Tomorrow will be born.

They Say They Were Wrong!! They Say They Are Right !!!

2006-06-04T14:39:00.000-04:00

Sat. May 6, 2006

America,
How to save you?
How to spare the misery those people are making for you? They are eating you... poisoning you. They remind me of Saddam little in how they all care about history, glory and pride. My poor friend, I can see it but they can’t. They think they can protect what they own (you) by weapons and politics illusions, just like…..
They are looking out … looking around to find reasons, they haven’t discovered mirrors yet.
America, I wish I know how to use colors better to paint the face I see of yours. I want to paint… colors can show more than words, I don’t believe in words. Colors can say how I feel but words can only say how I think about my feelings.
What to say… I feel about you like I feel about Baghdad: a tear and laughter. I look, my eyes filled with tears… I look again, I can’t stop laughing.
Every single day I live is so weird. It is normal day for us, but weird for me, no … weird for the true soul of me that still attached to me in a vague way since I met in my April. It is ordinary day! Yes and no… it is full of jokes and full of blindness just like your days, America.
You are like one of my sisters, you never know what she feels though she is talking too much, working too much but you never know what she really feels. I know that you see what I see but not sure why you are so quiet?
You don’t blame them!! Yes , you are right, I am half blind myself … all I know is little more than not to believe what I see because the picture is fake. Like I can’t blame my neighbor who was about to jump on me in anger few days after the war in 2003 “They offered me residency in the UK when I was there and I refused. I said, I want to go back to my country. I said my country needs me. What did my country did to me or how my country let me help it? You don’t discuss it with me I destroyed the future of my family and caused them to live all the hard times here for the sake of this country and I tell you now, war should happen and let America take it if that is how those poor people can live a better life after all this misery. Live your life little girl and don’t care about those things, I have wasted my life for.., care about your own life, don’t think of politics. American will help this country while they make advantage of it. They will bring prosper” He said all that because I said “nothing justifies war”.
Today more than three years gone, he was saying to me “nothing good will happen to this country, America won’t let it happen, they push for religious leadership to control people and events easily like they want, this will lead only to a disaster they will admit it after some decades and say ‘it was a mistake’ the truth is they need it now like they needed dictators from military before and now they say ‘it was a mistake’ it wasn’t, it was what they needed that time. They won’t let the good men take control, they destroyed this country. We are now worse than we were” I was listening to him silently; I didn’t agree but why let the old man lose his mind again? He has more time, I hope, to make many new theories. I don’t blame him. He is very smart and highly educated. He knows much, read a lot and watches the news even in his dreams. He is a good man.
Today, I read in March issue of Time magazine a writer discovered that he was wrong when he supported war. The entire article was about “why the war failed” not why he was wrong. I think I read it fast and couldn’t focus, maybe if I read it again I will understand something more than the guilt of the writer because somehow he feels the guilt for what had happened. I couldn’t focus, I can’t think why the war happened or should it or not. I can’t think what if it didn’t. He thinks now that he was wrong, so what? He wrote it in a book, so what? Is he free of guilt? Doesn’t matter. Why those people think of things as useless as these? Do they believe they or anyone else will learn out of it? Do they really believe in that? We have thousands of years of history full of wars, wrong and right decisions, what have we learned so far? History is a book of stories that all use to boost morale in their nations by the part of it where it tells their ancestors’ glory, and their enemies’ weaknesses, loses and evil.
I know now why you are so quiet.
America, don’t worry. No matter how hard it could be it will end. Things happen to let other things happen. Maybe what we see is wrong. Maybe it is a picture of a past.
America, don’t be afraid, you will survive. Let’s just pray they all wake up.
I have told you…So... just laugh.

Some More Rules

2006-05-29T13:55:00.000-04:00

Thursday may 4, 2006

--------Iraqi Night
This morning at 6 am the alarm woke me like usual and like usual, I turn it off, opened a window and back to my pillows (I put three on the bed). “it is ten to 7” like usual my mother called. Woke up in wet clothes- sweat- and left my bed to see that it was 6:58 am. Started seconds race to be ready at 7:10 am. In 12 minutes the choice was breakfast or shower!! no breakfast.
“sleepy?” I asked the other girl in the car. None seems to sleep in Baghdad these days as the mean generators owners turn them off after midnight, and electricity is about 4 hpd, wake up in hell fighting sweat and bugs attacks all night to sleep again.
“No! I had a good sleep last night” she smiled.
“How is that?”
“I slept on the roof; it is cold that you can hide from bugs under the sheets”
“What about shrapnel and shooting, yesterday I went up to gather some of the night before explosion, I heard it like coins falling on the roof of my room. If you see the holes in walls around the roof!!”
“yes, your location is dangerous. Are there many explosions now?”
“No, the opposite. We used to have them daily but now it is better after all those check points and streets closing”
I remembered how we slept on the roof all summer 2003 when shooting was 24/7 and Americans in helicopters were shooting at people sometimes while they were asleep. But with all the madness by then it couldn’t matter more than having one hour of real sleep. I remember, that year, one night how I jumped from the bed (we keep some beds for the roof) at 12 midnight on a big explosion followed by shooting, I was shaking for 30 minutes and my eyes hurt me because some explosion dust got in them. It was one of the few nights I could sleep that year, and it ended up beautifully this way!
--------Iraqi Soldiers
I took a book with me to read in the morning on the way to work, the long way, it was boring that I read 6 pages only. Looking at soldiers everywhere time to time while I was reading, it is easy to say where my eyes where more. Studying their faces, saying a kind of prayer for them. We know how they suffer out there but there is still more we don’t know. Yesterday, on Al Jazeera TV they showed some of the process of making Iraqis soldiers in the American way. I saw little, the part when they were forced to shave their moustaches. I was wondering, are Americans stupid or ignorant , some Iraqis say “they intend to do things, it is not a mistake”. What on earth could it mean? Why?
“They don’t understand. It is what we do in the US. They have to shave” American soldier was explaining furiously.
Why, it is not how we do it in Iraq. You are not in the US, please remember you are in Iraq.
One Iraqi soldier refused and the American soldier was yelling at him “sit down”.
Does a soldier have the right to yell at another soldier in the same rank in army or give him orders? Was the message “only if one of them was American”? it is all what will be seen from the Iraqi side. The end was the camera showing the moustaches on the ground under Americans’ feet. This was mean hint for Iraqis.
I was looking to those soldiers, deep inside I felt sorry for all this. They are in streets all day all night. All they get from people is complaining and no respect. Now after what was on Al jazeera yesterday they will get some contempt look, time to time. Those soldiers are fighting more than insurgents or terror, they have another battles hidden in their hearts, hidden as anger… Americans never learn that anger can kill more than bombs.
Rule: Remember, you are in Iraq.
Rule: Don’t yell at Iraqis.
Rule: Notice that when there is a camera, no matter what TV it is, it will end up on some Arab TV screen.

One More Iraqi-American Marraige

2006-05-03T12:58:00.000-04:00

Sat. April 22, 2006

Many women (aged 55-62) were here this morning visiting us, some we haven’t seen for years though we were together everyday before. Like usual the visit started with how hard was it for them to reach our house and how dangerous it is, then the latest of friends and relatives who were killed or kidnapped which definitely will lead to who is doing this
1: I can’t believe that there are Iraqis doing this. Is all that in us? Are we that bad?
2: No they are not Iraqis, maybe there are some Iraqis doing it for money, but it is not Iraqis who want and plan for it .
1: This is worse; when they are killing their own people for money this is horrible 100 times more.
3: We had enough of that talk, let’s talk about us.
1:You are right, how is your daughter ….

Talking about personal life details, till :
1: Have you watched Oprah show about some strange love stories? What was the occasion?
I said: I think it was Valentine’s Day.
1: You watched it?
Me: No! I heard about it (my friend R told me the story yesterday). What was it?
All: About what?
1: The marriage of an Iraqi girl and American soldier.
4: I did see that.
5,2,3: No way! How is that? How could she?
1: She was a maid working in the palace for soldiers. She is Christian.
2: He married a maid!!
3: She married an American!!
1: Oprah asked him with surprise
5 : Because she is a maid!
1: No!! she said ‘How did you ever decide to marry an…. Iraqi woman?’ It is okay what she is, the crime was she is Iraq!!
all: what?? The ***!...anyway, what kind of Iraqi that married American?
4: She is not Arab Christian. I know them; they would never work like maids, not this way.
5: What kind of people they are to let there young daughter work as maid among soldiers and let her risk her life working with Americans.
4: She lived with him for month before he left.
6: What?? Oh maybe she is one of those girls.
4: When she worked this job for Americans! She is so desperate for money and has nothing to care about. Of course she has no morals.
5: But he is American. She is crazy!!
4: She had a goal, leaving, she would do anything to get what she wanted. Even married to American.
1: They will divorce after few months or a year. He is American!
---------
Iraqi women (who born and lived in Iraq) rarely married to none Iraqis (Arabs), but European or American who are not from Iraqi origin!! No. If it happened before 2003, I have heard of none.

------------

Yesterday my friend R was here she told me the story from the other point of view.
R: that was very romantic. Wish you watched it.
“I am not watching TV for long months, maybe half an hour every now and then.” I said
R: “I can’t believe you didn’t see it. He really loves her, you can feel it. She is nice and he is very cute. Even if he wasn’t, he loves her and that is enough. He sent for her months after he went to the states and her family too, they married there. He didn’t speak Arabic and she didn’t speak English “This is love” the comment was. This is the love I want, doesn’t matter what he is or who he is, If there is a true love it is what really matters.”

------------

Iraqi women were saying that Americans are not equal to Iraqis (morally) and when it is about marriage it is out of discussion. Americans think that Iraqis less. My friend believes that if there is love there are no boundaries.
I am thinking why there has to be boundaries? Why “love” needed that two can feel equal regardless the flag that painted their existence?
Our world took long time to admit that the color of our skin can’t change our value as humans. How long will it take to admit that colors of flags can’t change the value of humans?
If we were just like each other life would be boring. Is that what we want to be? Like each other! But we are like each other more than we are not. We share the same water, air, sky, feelings, Gods, and earth...... More we share the same destiny, death.

Pills First Then Peace Will Come

2006-04-23T13:31:00.001-04:00

America,
Tell you something? Sometimes I am obsessed with one thought like glasses I wear and see it all through. How each one I meet will die? When? Why? What one does to deserve a better death? It is not sad or tragic, just questions.
I see them today!! Maybe not tomorrow, my relations affected by that. They are with me for a while. They are dead but have some little time to live around. Have you lived with dead walking around you America?
When hands shake, I look to fingers carefully, where each finger will be after a …. You know! Necks are another issue, you can imagine.
I live in ghosts’ city!! They are all dead!! The question is when? Where? How? But the most is why? What we need to do to enjoy a better death?
I am sure if someone gives it deep thought we might have an equation for it! But who care elsewhere, and people here are so stupid these days to find answers by their own. They are so paralyzed to think. They have some answer sheet that already filled for them they just read and give some facial expressions to make it look like it is their own words.
Well you understand my friend America, why they are so stupid, they are dead. Dead people don’t think.

-------------------------

You don’t believe how stupid they are? You want stories; you love stories just like me. I don’t have stories now, but I remember in may 2004 (people were still trying to think), I was waiting for friends to go to work with. I heard a shot, on the other side of the street there was a young man putting his gun right on another man’s head and shooting. Everyone asked “what was the victim’s job? With Americans? Or he was a part of Saddam’s killing agencies?” the truth was simply that some criminals threatened him to pay or die a week before. When he didn’t pay, they killed him.
Now when someone killed, everybody asks “Sunni or Shia?” if the one who asks is Sunni the reaction is one of two.
- “He is Shia! Americans ( or Israel or Iran) killed him to create a civil war”
-“He is Sunni!! Damn it. Badder killed him. They want to kill all Sunnis”
On the other hand if the one who asks is Shia there is only one answer “Terrorists did that, they want life to stop in Iraq”.

Those people don’t think hard, they already have answers.
Before… long before, when I was living in Iraq, oh I still live in Iraq, well I meant the old Iraq. Things were easier. We-all of us- had one answer for all questions, America-Israel.
‘Why we have no freedom of speech?’
- Our enemies will use it to their interests.
- The west will use it to affect our belief and change our culture and Identity.
- We have all the freedom we need. Our enemies say these things to make the people revolt that their dogs find chance to take authority.

And so on with any question.

People learn not to think. We import our food, cars and brains. We are just copies refuse to walk against what our elementary school teacher taught us.
We are copies!! We can’t wear what others don’t wear. We can’t refuse to eat what others eat. We can’t think with what others don’t think, which is what Arab ( Egyptian ) writers think, we have to repeat. We listen to news all day but we don’t think about it, we can’t, just repeat.

We are so stupid America,
After war we have to blame Americans. Now someone click a button and it is all Iran and Badder. It is so funny when they mix things and remain confused in the middle like one friend who started with “Bombs and assassinations are all comitted by Badder and Iran. They want to create a civil war and make it all hard for America because when things quiet and good here their turn comes”
Half hour later same person same place and same conversation:
“It is all well managed by America. Do you believe that such a powerful country can’t control Iraq? Or you believe they are not paying Zarqawi? They are controlling terror in Iraq. They want a civil war to happen. They want chaos. It is how they can rule us easier and we become busy killing each other letting them take and play with whatever they want here”
I just don’t get it. Are Iran and America having the same goal? This means they have one interest. This means they are going same direction, oh they are allies!!

America!! Doesn’t that remind you with most Americans? It is world wide disease!!!
Let’s pray they will find medicine. After they eliminate bird flu, AIDS and cancer.
Have hope America, they will save our world with the right pills.

Peace is coming.

Politics!!!

2006-04-10T15:02:00.001-04:00

It is April 8, 2006
I refuse to remember, but it is so loud in my memory this moment.
That day 2003, I didn’t sleep the night before, I left my bed at 5 am, sat in the garden which was very dangerous thing to do. It was quiet all the night like it was that morning. Maybe it is why I couldn’t sleep besides thinking of the poor soldiers who were hungry with no food or water for days before the airport battles- they came from the airport to here. I was thinking of everything and nothing till I forgot war, it was so silent for war.

The neighborhood was empty since the airport battles (April 3-4) “it was not air strikes, it was like earthquake waves with one big explosion that never end for hours” it is how I described airport battles it in my diaries. The Republic Guards came to settle in the main street about two hundred meters away of my house between April (4-7). They made our life hell with all the fire and antiaircraft, they even fired their missiles from here, RG were on a side and the Fidayen on the other, we were in the corner. They left at the 7th. evening and the Arab Fidayen were left alone.

I knew later about a discussion 15 of Arab Fidayen had with one of the neighbors on the 7th of April “we are here not for Saddam we are here for you, our brothers in Islam and nationality. We don’t understand why you don’t want us to fight?” after long discussion they decided not to fight “we are not here to die, the army left us alone. We can help the army but not fight alone. We want to leave. They took our passport and we have no money. We don’t know the country how to go back to our countries?” it was midnight April 7. They dig holes to bury their weapons and were planning how to go home “we will leave in the morning”. But the morning was too late. Too late. The sun didn’t rise. Time cannot wait. They enjoyed their last breaths, their last hours before the horrible fate met them, before their last prayers reached the closed doors of the sky.
That morning didn’t come alone.
Ugly life.

I shall never forget. My door was closed. My heart was open but my heart couldn’t relief their pain. They wanted to leave “we are not here to die” we gave them closed doors. They gave us blood and screams that can live forever in me.
---------------------------------

I shall never forget.
I am sorry, I know you can hear me, are you watching what you died for. Are you watching? I am sorry they didn’t listen to the screams, or hear a man who wants to get his life back from his killers, like I did. I am sorry, you don’t care now, I know but I am still sorry.
--------------------------------

We need to stop the lies, the lies that bring people to die. The story is repeated, and fools are in long line to die for the God they don’t know, for land none own, for groundless theories, for people who refuse to be a reason for death or for those who are selling mottos and blood to win.
The story repeated and we are watching. Why? To give some criminals power, political existence, give them blood to negotiate with devil and get more.
What is right? What is wrong? Free death is wrong.

----------------------------------------

America, why you reward killers? It is politics! In politics killers always win.
Muthana Harth Aldhary wins. His gangs win. The biggest hatred leader in Iraq history and killers’ defender, Adnan Al-Dulaimy, wins. Stupidity leader, Abdul Aziz Al-Hakim, wins. The disgusting liar, Allawi, will win too.
It is time for wrong to win. It is time for innocence to die.

America, I hate to talk in politics; it is the art of making humans tools and making stupidity a plague. Politics is the art of blood and dead trade. Politics is the art of being right when all you do is wrong.

This is another story. Story I do my best not to live. My April taught me what not to believe. If you are listening America, close your ears and live deaf, only this way you will hear the truth. Those who talk too much are either liars or some who honestly try to believe a lie because they have to believe something, they have to follow someone.

Where was I?? Uh that morning I was sitting in the garden… America, it is too late and I want to sleep. Later, we will talk, later.

War Diaries

2006-04-08T12:45:00.000-04:00

Mon. April 7, 2003

This morning I feel dizzy because of the constant airplanes’ noise that never stopped, not for a minute. The news that fill the BBC is uncertain from different American sources. They are talking about Republican Palace being occupied and Rasheed hotel too. One BBC reporter at Al- Mansour hotel said that he saw two tanks from his balcony.
We have no water today.
I don’t feel I want or like to do anything, all the news make me sad and worry especially after they clam they are controlling west Baghdad. It is a lie but it means they will do there best to make it true. When a battle happen , the horrible destruction and blind killing … I don’t know what going to happen but I am worry we are on they way.
Yesterday evening they announced a curfew in Baghdad from 6pm to 6am.
----------------------------------
Evening

Suddenly I get bored of the news summary. I get bored of news details … Last news … breaking news ..reports of the news …discussions about the news.
I get bored of the empty neighborhood except us and three other houses.
I get bored of the silence that disturbed by nothing but missiles, explosions and airplanes...
The sky that adore nothing more than fire, dust and smoke..
I get bored of the ghosts of mean tomorrow… new mean ruler …
Then what is in the horizon …
Tomorrow who will be crowned? After people will be trailed in streets …
Tomorrow a new chapter of our story begin, occupation chapter. From suffering to suffering.
Like God is reshaping us in a big fire….. like pieces of clay for something.
We are being sieved , purified, refined, burned, crushed and made like dough to be in new shape , something.
I can’t imagine that all this for nothing or it is just suffering like any other nation had.
----------
To be continued.

Gilgamesh Leading My Way to the Old Kingdom Again

2006-03-24T14:00:00.000-05:00

My heart is broken… I am smashed… I can’t look at people I don’t want to see their faces, that when they get killed I won’t remember them. It is lessening the pain.
Everyday my father goes to buy something from the main street he back with stories and names of the day and the night before victims. Everyday …. Everyday.

---------------

Today I had strange visions and sudden feelings. Few times I felt a cold metal on my neck, shiver and hard to take a breath. It is not because I am afraid of it; I am not thinking of that, it is because I am thinking of those 4 men since Wednesday. Wondering what they felt when the knife was cutting their flesh? What they saw first? God or the levels sequence of being… how long did it take them to accept death and move to next shock? Did they wondered how could those killers see not a little of the God that full all the seen and the unseen? How could anyone breathe all the anger of the sky above his head without feel it? Didn’t they scream: you can’t do it, you have no right to take the life you didn’t give?

What about this horrible death moment? When it is all behind and it is all doesn’t matter anymore… when there is no connection left between them and life but their bodies. It is an amazing discovery that we have when we die, we don’t feel any feelings toward any dear thing on earth only our bodies is what we really own.

All my life I thought that death is death, whether in one piece or ten, burned or drowned, fair or unfair, it is the same. I always thought that when we die it is not important the fate of the left body. How wrong I was!! Last Wednesday I could felt the pain of those 4 men when their bodies were thrown on road. That pain when they can’t cover themselves from people eyes from a stupid journalist camera, from being a show, a subject a story. I imagine the moan. Does it look weird? Think of a glass wall separate two rooms in one there is you, in the other there is your child or one you love and consider a part of you. That child is unconscious and there are some creatures playing with him like a doll, burn him, eat part, cut him with a knife and laugh. It is like this when you watch your motionless body in the hand of others. How a look can hurt! What about a photo that will keep an endless number of eyes gazing. Why we can’t let dead people in peace? Why we use them to earn money to win cases and media attention? Why we use their horrible journey out of our world to achieve more for our own small worlds? Why we can’t respect that they are out of the game and it is not fair be heroes or victims in their names while we know very well they can’t come to say “no” though they are screaming their NO but we just can’t hear. They are out after the worst experience a man can have; at least let’s respect their pain.

-----------------

How do I know? Oh .. haven’t I told you America that I was there? You don’t know that my 8th of April has shown everything. Like our glorious king Gilgamesh thousands of years ago when he stood in Uruk kingdom and shouted “ Gilgameshthe one who saw it all”. Do you know that man America? I bet you don’t. His best friend, Enkidu, died after war against devels and Gods , he couldn’t save him, more than that he was guilty for his death. The grief made the king wandering in streets, lost, drunk and life was meaningless to him when it could end so simply by death, he tried to find answers he talked even to a bar waitress one night . He decided to be immortal or else what he will live for if he lose and leave it all simply by death. His long journey to know how to be immortal wasn’t fruitless. He knew that there was a magic plant can make him live forever. He found it, won it after long time and suffer. How tired , sleeping under a tree , he opened his eyes to see a big black snake eating his immortality plant. The evil snake will be immortal and he will die. He only gave evil an endless life. He regretted. He cried. Then he back home freed of life illusions and aware of the life he still own. Like a man born again in an old world, he knew his way.

By the way America, in what phase of the story am I? Am I still wandering in the old kingdom? Or I have fed the black snake already. No.. No .. I am about to leave my kingdom to find a meaning for life some other part of this world. I have just started the story. And my journey is a head. Thinking of the moment I am back to my ruined kingdom with all the answers. Thinking of be smarter than Gilgamesh, when I find the plant I will eat it directly, and sleep later, like a friend of mine says “I have much time to sleep when I am dead”.
America, you know that I won’t look for immortality at all. I know what Gilgamesh didn’t know, I am already immortal. But I will take the journey, I will find my answers. I will celebrate whatever left for me to live. My great king, light a candle on my way, you who saw it all, you who know it all.
*

Four Dead Men and One Angry Friend

2006-03-22T11:49:00.000-05:00

22 march

I am home since 3:50 pm. Since 3:50 till now I wanted to write to you but ... I couldn't. Now I can't control it any more. On my way home I saw them. I didn't know that I still have all this inside. Pain is like a beast released in my heart, I curbed my tears all the way home, though I didn't curb my tongue, just couldn't, what if my words send me to death, it is likely to happen if my words fly wider. I don't care... Can't care.
Remember the guy in the car with us :
“this is our normal life now, why you are so upset? ”
“don’t say that . This can’t be normal life even if they killed 1000 every day . It can’t be normal to kill people this way”
Is it normal America?
I am crying.. I can't write.
-------------------------
23 march
I am awake . I slept but not for long. last day, I saw several beheaded men thrown by road side like garbage. their hands were tied behind.
"I don't know what is going on" she is singing now...
Everything was fine (I can control it- I thought) walked across the closed street to reach home... American soldiers back on control. Didn't eat ... I tried to read but couldn't ... this pain was growing.
I was arguing that evening with a friend. when I found a tear falling and I couldn't stop crying till now. it is about to be 5 am.
She is saying "you are not from here and now…” “you don't belong to fear and lies”… Sing it again!

How to Remember War?

2006-03-21T07:20:00.000-05:00

How to remember a war?
I usually don’t. Well… 1st anniversary of the last war, I wouldn’t remember if it wasn’t mentioned on TV, occasionally I turned it to BBC World News , and there were a reporter telling his memories with some video tapes. This took half an hour, I cried like I was living it again, like I was there again, like it was all real not a tape. I was whispering “stop shooting” with a will that they stop… as if I was able to travel in time and change something. It was the first time I see those scenes, it is why I couldn’t stop my tears or my desire to stop the shooting ... my desire to put some shield over the head of those people to protect them from the fire. It was half an hour, that is it.

The second, I didn’t remember or pay attention at all, I was about to start an exciting experience to live alone in Baghdad. All my family left the country for some days and I couldn’t join for some reasons. Alone in Baghdad all I remembered was the 8th of April and it was painful to find out in the middle of a happy day that there is something wrong, I was delighted in the 8th of April till I noticed the date so guilt took over for the end of it.

The third, this year!!! Crazy … I knew that it is war anniversary from radio, but later it was very strange, I am living it again. Every wall remind me with something every time I go downstairs I remember when I was about to fall because of a missile that fell near. Every time I go up I remember the broken glass I walked on, on the 8th of April. The weather was the same yesterday. The flowers in the garden are the same. The garden itself still holds it all fresh like time doesn’t touch those images. Yesterday morning I was drinking my tea in the garden and memories just didn’t stop. When we watched two planes fly in circles on the 22nd Sat leaving white lines of smoke behind and one of them exploded. Still fresh that other day when for the first time I saw a plane attacks a target I got down watching with open moth. Still feel it. Still smell it . Still hear it.

Since yesterday early hours I am reliving the details of the war. It never happened to me this way. Why this year? Is it because am leaving? Or because I have to take the final decisions now, leave or stay? Everyone is leaving in the family; we will be around the world. I am afraid the house might be sold within few years though none saying it.
Is this memories-attack a goodbye? Or it is a way to beg me not to go?
All those memories will stay here buried in the garden, attached with those walls. Will other people live here? How it can be? How will they live among all those memories without even know? How can anyone touch a wall without feel how many times it shacked under strikes and how many shrapnel it kept away to protect us? Who can live here America, those walls are mine. They are alive more than many people I know, they saw more than those who are “making history” or those who are writing history did.

America, this anniversary is weird, besides memories and these thoughts, at the first hours of yesterday morning when war exactly 3 years old; I was talking to a soldier!
America, I am happy that three years over. That time helped me to be kind of... I was about to say " normal" but no nothing normal, let me say I am better to deal with war remainings and better to deal with odd feelings and effects of the war. Time does help.
I will share with you part of my war diaries later, maybe!!!
I want it to be the last time I remember it. Can I forget?
Why I want to forget?
It is part of me, like it is part of the garden and walls… like smoke is part of Baghdad sky.

America, war was here three years ago. Now it is resisting death, she wants to stay. I am afraid nothing is left for her here. She will starve to death. I am ready for her funeral.

Would you come?

Here

2006-03-14T22:01:00.000-05:00

America,
I am here, I don't want to say anything.. There are many things to say in this crazy world I live. I will say nothing.
I know you hear me when I am not talking.
I feel a heart beat under my feet when I walk.

A World With No Killers Or Soldiers

2006-02-26T17:27:00.000-05:00

It is raining! there was shooting hours ago. I have buried myself somewhere. The phone rang, I pretended to be asleep for a minute before I realized that phones have no eyes yet. I answered she was asking "are we going to work tomorrow?" what to tell you my friend, there are men dying out there right now "I don't know".
Work! how can I know, I need to be a PM to know if I am going to work tomorrow. Is it important? They are dying, shooting to have a little longer life. I got back to my bed, telling myself that I rather sleep. It was early. Dark. Rain. Shooting. my head was working slow thinking of... some men who are dying out there. I had to sleep. the radio was on, she was singing that she will never forgive him and never back to him. But it didn't matter if she can forgive him or not, they are dying and I am listening to it.
I woke up hours later and the song was played again" Sorry ... Find someone else".
Is this a message?
let's try it, Baghdad find someone else. Not really!
Another one, whoever find someone else!
Devil find someone else!
Sorrow find someone else!
I think I should say it to the radio station "Sorry .. find someone else to listen to the same songs all night"
How many of them died? It is not important, they will find others to stand in the same place tomorrow. They always can find someone to fill the emty uniforms.
Will a day come, when people can refuse to be soldiers and rebels refuse to fight. None kills anyone and police refuse to shoot . Will a day come when we say to our governments whether they are democratic or not "Sorry.. We are not going to war. Sorry, find someone else to fight"
I have eaten some orange only. America, I don't drink. See I am not drank. It just hard to be sober when you hear them dying out there.

Wake Me Up!

2006-02-24T10:55:00.000-05:00

America,
Help me, I no longer want to stand.
I am not afraid; the crowd doesn't bother me anymore, explosions are part of my daily routine, and sectarianism! Oh, I have learnt how to hear without listen, have I?.
Civil war threats are… threats!! .
But I have lost my desire to stand. Am I enjoying this falling?
Wake me up America, I can't fall now!
Wake me up. I can't give up now.
Hundreds of empty eyes are following me this night. They are angry "You can't stop".
They should understand that my life is only enough for me, I can't live for all of them.
It is only enough for me, and I am exhausted by the games of hope and dreams, the games of happiness and disappointment. I am exhausted.
If I hate the movie, can't I sleep on the chair till it ends? I am not interested to watch it and I can't change it. I want to sleep till the end. No!!
Wake me up America, I can't fall now.
This is wrong. It is wrong to die now. I have to survive. Hold my hand, stop this falling.
Wake me up.

Rules For Soldiers in Iraq: 3

2006-02-18T10:50:00.000-05:00

Rule 1: Don't revenge!
Rule 1: You are not a God!
Rule 1: Please, don't be stupid!

----------

One soldier was so angry that he decided that we don't deserve the little electricity we get. His tank helped him. It took no more than few minutes, and we were out of power for few days.

Hussein

2006-02-09T12:31:00.000-05:00

Hussein dies everyday in Iraq.
Hussein grows everyday like million trees where we run when the flood of our inhumanity rises to swallow the meanings of faith and justice, when the God of our hearts drown and the real God, the one God, disclosed. I was so weak to stand.
Hussein, I am so alone and deceived. Hussein, how can I understand? How can I live for God? I don’t know what he wants. How can I fight for good? I don’t know what good is. It is all like a big cloud, I hardly can see my hand.
Hussein, why did God leave you die, beheaded after you watched your friends, sons and cousins being cut in front of your eyes? Why were you thirsty and no miracle happened, no rain no spring no angels brought you some water from …? They told me that “why” is a step to hell. But your death on my land is the biggest WHY on earth. Your blood mixed with water I drink, with soil my food grows in. I drink and eat the crime, how can I for a minute stop asking WHY?
Hussein, when you knew that you’re right and they are evil, how could you stand that fate? Why time didn’t stop? Why the sky didn’t fall? No man can do what you did. “Remember me” you said. You were looking at death, you knew how it would be, what would happen to your family but never asked, why? You knew.
You where there to answer my 8th of April, when I thought “ If God is God this should be stopped now. If there is mercy this would be stopped now. If faith has any meaning this would be stopped. God say: pray, I answer. Those who are dying out there use no word but God’s name. No sin enough for this. No heaven enough for this” it was when I heard a voice “remember me” repeating your words.
Your death is the mercy we can’t understand. You died to make me stand. You died to give no reason for my questions. If Hussein died this way I should not ask about others. You’re the sacrifice that taught us how illusive our victories are. Before the 8th of April I thought that faith is like drug helps to feel no pain. You lived your pain and saw them carry your head to take it with what left of your family to the Caliph Yazeyd. “What God has done to you?” Yazeyd asked Zainab, Hussein’s sister “only good” she replied “Hussein will live forever, and you will be mentioned as the killer of the prophet’s grandson”. She told him if Hussein death was his victory he will die too.
Hussein was left behind unburied with no head, among parts of his followers’ bodies in desert.
The scene has happened over and over. How merciful the God that watch us.
Do you know Hussein America? He is not a hero of Muslims. My Christian neighbor listens to his story and read Koran for him every year like many Christian in Iraq while some Muslims across borders (now inside) still celebrate the victory of devil.
America, it rained and there was wind full of dust. The sad sky still cries for the death of the man who was like his father too much for us to have.

Happiness Is to Be a Cat

2006-02-05T13:22:00.000-05:00

Do they know me?
I don't think so.
*****
-American:
“Are you Italian?”
“No”
“You sure you don’t have an Italian grandmother maybe?”

-A teacher in high school:
“Are you Palestinian?”
“No”
“I thought you are for two years”
****
-He has three nationalities, I think.
“I wish my colleagues in Washington as open minded as you”

- Iraqi guy“Regardless what your appearance make some people think of you, deep in side you are conservative”
“Oh! How did you know that?”
“I have tested you”
“What?”
“Do you remember when we were talking the other day and you said ‘Get out of this room right now or I will’ only because I said what I use to say to many girls usually... you remember?”
“Hmmm, well I don’t know what kind of girls you were talking to”
***

“You should be a lawyer” that is the opinion of 2 Americans.
“Why aren’t you justifying anything?” one of my friends.
“I know you won't listen to this but, I think you should be journalist” one of my teachers.
“You should be architect” a friend.
"You should be a doctor" Parents.
“ You would be much better if you don't read”
“ You should forget about writing and spend your time doing something useful” high school
“You should write” when stopped in college.
“You should learn how to clean and cook, nothing else will really help you more, other things are not so important when you get married”
****
“you are shy”

"You are confident"
“you are courageous”
“you are prudent”
“you are easy and friendly”
“you are tough”
“you are optimistic”
“you should have little hope and faith, don’t be pessimistic”

__________________________________

What does it mean? Each one has his own clues to judge. One word would mean that I am this, another would mean something else. Each one sees others according to what he is. We are what we are. But now we are not, we should be Sunni or Shiia.

__________________________________

Sunnis think I am Sunni, I criticized both sides, till they touch points like speaking dirty about one of Shiia highly respected figures. “you stop here, if you have no respect to him it is your opinion but you should respect other Iraqis who don’t agree with you and consider him their leader”

Shiia treat me as Shiia , till they speak about points like constitution or violence.
***********
Religious think that I am not religious.
Those who believe they are not religious think that I am religious.
***********
Americans want to put me under anti-Americans or pro-Americans just like Iraqis do.

***********
Non Iraqis treat me as a sample of Iraq, as if I should have all the answers.
Non Iraqis in Iraq treat me as another Iraqi, like if all Iraqis are the same.
How I feel when some of them say “you are different”…

“are all Iraqis like you?” I reply “no they are much better”.

_____________________________________

Now I am tired. For a week I want to,

I want to live where I am not Sunni or Shiia.
I want to go where none ask me about Iraq anymore. I have said all I want till early 2005 and I believe I don’t want to talk anymore in politics or governments. I decided to shut up after the coruption I saw from those who were talking about peace while they have relations whith terrorists and talking about loyality to Iraq and they don't even have iraqi ID or passport. Those who are rich but they steal.

Oh America,
I want to live where I am human only, maybe the problem is here. When I was a child, like all children I asked “why God made me human not a bird or a cat?” My mother answered with the story of the girl who wanted to be cat.
There was a stupid teacher in elementary school used to say “we thank God that he honored us and made us humans”. On the 8th of April 2003 I was disgusted of human kind. The next weeks I was in the hell of after war, thinking that happiness is impossible and just illusions, and then I saw a cat with kitten playing in the garden. This was the impossible happiness. Free happiness. Easy. Simple. I was jealous. I decided ‘the happiness is to be a cat’. Two days later a car hit the kitten and happiness did not exist again.

America, I am sick of humans and cats. I need to have a dog. I have to have a dog.

Rules for Soldiers in Iraq: 2

2006-02-02T05:11:00.000-05:00

September 21, 2004.
Four young men were waiting for an American convoy in their car on a street by the highway holding their guns. When the convoy passed in the opposite direction they shot few times and drove in a high speed, turned to our neighborhood to run away, they were followed by HMMWV, the street was a long one... if they could get out safe they would be lost, they missed the last turn to the left of the street and had just reached the end of it where they would escape when another HMMWV appeared in front . The driver who was surprised turned in despair move to hit a wall, too late to go anywhere. Locked in the car, surrounded by enemies. American soldiers shot to paralyze them. Soldiers approached, the Iraqi guys were injured some were dead; soldiers took all the papers and IDs in their pockets and took them photos then burned them. Iraqi police were forced to stay away. The neighbors who dared to open the doors to see what happened begged soldiers to let them extinguish the fire but soldiers refused and stood there watching the four young men burning to the end. They left after the car was burned completely. They left behind them remnants of a car, bones and a new concept of American justice. Next day a man came to take the bones he could find. Two days later, their names were on white piece of cloth hanged on a wall with a word to justify it all ' martyrs '. Three of them were from the area the fourth was from Aadhamia.
For weeks, every time I go out I have to see this car, smell it. I tried to take photos but none allowed me “have you lost your mind? insurgents will think that you are a reporter and Americans will think that you are insurgent, you will be hurt”.

Rule1: Don’t burn people.
Rule1:Don’t revenge.

***

America, they were young. They were angry. They were untrained foolish school kids. It was possible to change their attitude by few hours discussion but no one talk, everyone was /is busy accusing and defending. No one cared. They were burned alive or dead. No one cares. Car and flesh! Have you smelt this before America? It is like …. I don’t know. There are things that make you feel disgusted to be a human being, this is one.
Why it had to be this way? Why they were not simply arrested? Why they were not just killed? Was it fun to watch the fire? I think so, or what else could keep those soldiers watching?

Rules for Soldiers in Iraq: 1

2006-01-26T05:56:00.000-05:00

It was one of Eid days early Nov. last year. I was home replying to some email when I get the call no. 3 from my sister “where are you? You said that you were coming, we are waiting more than we should here” they were waiting for me at one of the neighbors’.
“I told you I don’t want to come; I have just changed my clothes”
“You said so before, but you agreed to come at the end.”
“Okay I will change my shirt and come”
“You told me that the last time I called. You are embarrassing us, just come”
“One minute”
I finished my email then jumped the stairs down. My father was at the garden, I told him while I was running were we will be. I opened the door, one step and I was face to face with an American soldier ‘one soldier doesn’t kill’ I told my self without slowing down. Few more steps I was in the middle of the street which was full of soldiers ‘just ignore them’ I told my self looking down and keep moving fast. Within a second I felt that I was in the middle of a high school boy’s gang, whistle and comments. Angry! No ‘anger’ is not the word. I have raised my head to see one of them saying one of these things but like kids they became silent. I thought ‘hey, I don’t think I can control my tongue if I heard one more. It is Eid, it is not the time to be in trouble. I should go back till they go’ I have taken a look to my watch then turned back. They didn’t shut up “where are you going?”, “she is scared”, “he he” and so on. ‘Oh God only if I could get one of those homeless dogs (it is an expression I use for that kind of kids) to show him how scared I am!!”… When my father saw me, he couldn’t believe that I returned because there were some soldiers out there. It used to be reversed, he is the one who refuse to drive or go out when tanks guys filled our street and I am the one who says “they are only few soldiers. We are not changing our plans because there are soldiers! There are soldiers everyday!”. He asked me “did you really come back because there are soldiers on streets?”
“Yeah!”
“Okay I will come with you”
“No it is okay; I will call them and tell them I can’t come”
“No, you should go”
‘What is wrong with him today?’ “Okay”
I went out first “hey” one of those homeless dogs said. I wanted to keep my mouth closed so I looked the other side. He insisted to hear my voice “don’t be afraid, we won’t hurt you”. You already did, stupid kid. He asked for it, didn’t he? I turned my face to him with defiant look and voice “I AM …afraid”. I guess he didn’t expect this. He stopped; little hesitated to talk or maybe he was deciding what kind of talk it would be. Before he decide my father was out “you just go, I am standing here” he said. I went there all I remember was a little of the interpreter face behind them. I was angry all the day. That day I thought ‘tanks guys never did that. Tanks guys were much better. Maybe if they come back we won’t have to deal with those homeless dogs type’. Month after that, when soldiers came to search our house. I have mentioned that I remembered as I was trying to sleep that I saw that interpreter face before. Right, they were the same guys. They tried to remind me.
********
In Iraq, they will forgive anything but this.
In Iraq, it is not a sign of disrespect to the people and culture only, you emphasize the message “we have the power, we have everything and we will do whatever we want in this country”
If you saw some Iraqi homeless dogs type of men, you should know that they are the lowest level of men in Iraq. But if Americans do the same even those will be angry.When they want to convince someone to join insurgents, they tell him few stories, one story will be about this, It is why I told no one about it till now.
*******
Rule#1: Don’t whistle or say silly things on streets , don’t be a homeless dog type
Rule#1: Iraqi women are a red line.
Rule#1: Remember, you are in Iraq.
Rule#1: Choose the right interpreter, one like that is causing endless troubles.
Rule#1: If you did that before, look at the pictures of dead soldiers in Iraq and know that you are guilty.

Stories and Rules for Soldiers in Iraq # 0

2006-01-23T06:16:00.000-05:00

What is behind the glasses?
What is behind the face?
We can't choose who we are, we can't choose what you are. But there was a way to avoid all what had happened. There was a way to save baghdad from burning, save you from all that anger.
It is too late to change things! I don't know. All I know is if we could only understand, we still can find hope to leave less hatred and anger. We still have hope to live in a little different world.

You Have to Remember

2006-01-18T02:18:00.000-05:00

It is one of my deleted posts. I republish it, a friend asked me to.

America, have you noticed the date 17th of Jan. ? 15 years ago ... The day I received my first lesson in anger, fear, unsecure future and sensed the bitterness of defeat ....

Don't you remember?

Thunder and light . Bombs . Fires . "Escape the doomed city"they said. "Come back" she called.

It was the last day of illusion. It was the first day of sadness . The first wake up. the first 'stop' I have said.

My Baghdad is dying since then.

I can't forgive you 1991 war. I can't forgive you America.

That date , I decided , Arabs don't deserve to live. I have wrote a book I didn't finish long ago about this war. Still hurt America. 15 years ago I tasted the lose of everything, still hurt.

Do you remember? When his voice came out at last to say "Iraqi people , you have been heroes . You stand strong and you didn't bow, that is the victory you have achieved"

I hated him. As a child I could't accept to lose "he either pull out from the beginning or stand like a man to the end" I couldn't understand America, that this was the end.

Can you believe that they hated Saddam like insurgents hate Bush. It was okay that we all starve because they hated Saddam. Like it is okay for insurgents to kill Americans because they hate GWB policies in Iraq.

Why you let them do it?

Why you watched us die ?

Why I can't forgive you the burden my early days have carried?

Who invented this way of fight, let people die and starve till their president give up? How stupid! They made him stronger. They gave him more power. As if he cared about how many Iraqis died! Do you know what happened after this war and during the blockade ? Wrong became right and right seemed stupid.

15 years America but that wound still new.

Why I blame you? You were so far to hear 'help' . What about those who live behind the thin lines called borders? What about those who speak our language and share the glory and shame of one history? What about those who name themselves brothers ? They wrote poem for us secretly "not to irritate Kuwait and America" they said. It is how they did all they could for us , they cried and whispered. It is all an Arab could do. Now the same weepers talk as if they have right in Iraq more than Iraqis and they decide for Iraq as if we are under their custody .

You were not guilty. You were far and deaf.

They were not like Arabs, they were like Kuwaitis. Kuwait paid them well. You paid them too.

It was good business for Kuwaitis as they gained the profits in the end.

It was good deal for Kuwaitis to revenge and make big money.

It was good trade, blood and hunger of poor people. Turn the scientists to beggars and turn the thieves to millionaires. Turn the angels to humans and turn the humans to the Iraqis you see on TV everyday.

The world is guilty "Saddam don't do enough" they repeated "The blockade will remain". Why would he? He was as best as he could ever be.

Today you have to remember,1991, a war started and Iraq got cancer. All what you see around Iraq now have its roots back in 1991.

Will I ever heal? Oh, I thought I did.

The Falling One

2006-01-05T12:21:00.000-05:00

America, I am sad.
I didn’t eat. I couldn’t finish any of the missions in my list. He falls. He became one of them. He wrote a line of poisoned lies.
Iraq is not buildings or streets, Iraq is people. It is hurt to see the city I loved decays but since the 8th of April, 2003 I turned all my previous beliefs about country and nationality and learnt that people worth more. I believe that we need to build the Iraqis again not only Iraq. We need to invest in people then the city will emanate. I decided to help this country my way. I taught my self to be optimistic (I used to be the opposite) and give hope in a way, my way. Like the child who left school I urged him going back giving him a small dream. He did. No happiness equal to this. One person is not complaining because he is busy building his future and his personality. That poor child who is from a poor uneducated family gives me hope more than those educated selfish stupid liars. There was one I respect. He repeated “I am secular” more than any other words. He is well educated. He is patriot. He is working and learning. He is successful and smart. But he is falling. He lied to make a section of religion the victim, he is not religious but he is weak and couldn’t resist being one of them. I am fighting not to be one of them, I stand strong when I see people like the one I thought he was. He is falling. When he repeated a rumor I said it was a moment of … but when he lies he is more than a sectarian, he leads sectarianism.
“We belong to our religions like we belong to tribe” a wise man said that a year ago.
Today I read. He is not religious, he belong to a religion tribe.
He lied.
He fell.
I have lost a hope leader.
But I still can find hope when I look to Baghdad beggars and newspapers boys. They can hold a gun to take all that I have but they beg me for the little I may give.
Baghdad beggars are heroes! I will have hope because they knocked the door begging in May, 2003 when weapons were everywhere free, when there was no law at all.
America I have a hope. Beggars full streets, Mohammed went back to school to be an engineer and Ali did too. The poor girl who live in the half constructed house lost her foot in one left American bomb but she is standing every day on the only foot she has smiling at the corner of the street “hello” she says when anyone passes by walking on two feet.
Still have hope America. If all those educated smart pretentious selfish secular in clams sectarians in deeds liars will ruin it all and escape. If all good educated people left. Mohammed, Ali and that little girl will stay. They taught me lessons in hope. I feel shame. How could I ever lose hope?
Those liars with thieves can waste the billions and oil, as long as there is Mohammed, Ali, a girl with one foot smiling and beggars refuse to hold guns, this country will rise.
Thank you America for listening, I am starving and I have a list to fulfill.
I have dreams to pursue.

American Innocence

2006-01-03T15:04:00.000-05:00

2003 April I don’t remember the exact date but it was days after the 8th .
I was still dizzy that afternoon watering the garden. At that time the word sleep was impossible. What I got was another kind of being unconscious, it can be described mostly as long nightmares, it didn’t last more than two hours a day sometimes. What happened on the 8th shocked me for weeks.

A head appeared over the fence, an American soldier. The first American face I saw (close without glasses). The first American eyes. The first smile. He was looking at the garden, the houses and me like Alice in wonder land. Most houses were empty, people left Baghdad especially in this part of the city. I guess I was the first Iraqi girl he sees.
America, his face was so innocent that I couldn’t understand. He looked like any high school kid. What was that kid doing here? I couldn’t understand.
I want to scream but I can’t. I want to cry. I want to say “I hate you” but he isn’t the one. I need someone to hate. “we care about Americans. You care about yourselves” isn’t that what the first soldier said? Don’t they leave us to live with bombs, the bombs that kill someone everyday? The bombs they threw around our houses and ON our houses.
He disappeared for a minute then he came with three more. Four happy kind and innocent faces were looking at me. For God sake I have a hell inside me. I was looking at them looking for guilt.
Why are you smiling? Why are you so blind? Just look behind you. Can’t you see the line of blood? Don’t look at me like children follow blood drops. On the 8th of this month a man died here. A man you killed. He knocked my door. He was bleeding; his body was covered with blood. We didn’t open. We were busy preparing for death. Why you chased him, he was dying? He looked for a shelter to die in peace but we didn’t open. He knocked the door in front; the house was empty and locked. He tried the next door it was empty and locked. Then the house in front and so on till the end of the street. You were in a helicopter above his head shooting at him. Just look, the marks on the ground. If you follow you will reach where the pool of his blood was, where half of his body was, the other half was severed pieces everywhere. Was it hard to let him die one piece? His screams live with me. How can all this innocence kill?
I couldn’t open my mouth. My head was shattered. Whom should I blame? I wanted someone to discharge my anger. They wanted to say something but what language should they use? They wanted to say something because one of them lifted his hand and said “Hi!!” He was so unsure.
How could you cut those 34 men on the other street to heads, hands, legs and fingers? There screams live with me. How can you live? I can’t sleep because my door was closed that day!!! How can all this innocence survive?
Hi!!!!!! You were shooting my house!!! The windows still keep the holes. I was about to die!!! Why you look so innocent? I want evil faces to scream “I hate you” don’t touch the tree can’t you see the scars on the branches that carry its own bloody memories as well.
One of them was smart enough to whisper “let’s go”.
Yes go. But give me back my innocence. Go but take the screams that chasing me with you. Go but I want to sleep. Go but I can’t pray. Erase the blood under your feet. Take my nightmares too. Just tell me how can you smile I want to smile again one day too. Go and leave the scene but where can I go? This slaughter field is my home. Please say something mean before you go, I can’t hate these faces and I need to release that hell out of me.
******************************
I am sorry I can’t finish it . I know it is not complete and it might be unclear or confusing but I can’t read it again. It is one of hell doors I dared to touch. I am tired. I can’t write it again. I am sorry a miracle happened yesterday made me imagine that I am stronger. Yesterday I prayed a real prayer to the end for the first time. I mean I really said each word feeling it and I didn’t cut it crying. I didn’t hear them screaming or hear the question again “why did they die this way? ”. I didn’t feel the pain of that day fresh as if it was hours ago like every time. I thought I am free of it…. I am so tired. I want to run away of this screen.
America, it is hard to be human in war times. You wish you were a cat or a wall.
I wish I was a piece of land but not like you, no. I wish I was a land none bled on and none buried in.
America, do you have your nightmares too? Do you have your own agony? Only God know how much you saw and how much you see.
America, do you think Baghdad can sleep?

Innocence

2005-12-29T10:41:00.001-05:00

This conversation was between me and my mother when I was about 4- 5 years old.
Me: Mom why there is war between Iraq and Iran?
Mom: The governments of the two countries have some problems they couldn’t solve. When they didn’t agree to compromise they decided to fight.
Me: It makes no sense (I was thinking that those adults are so stupid)
Mom: Well, many countries tried to interfere but both sides insisted to get all what they wanted.
Me: Why people accept it? I mean why people follow their governments? If people refused to fight and leaders found themselves alone in the battlefield it would stop.
Mom: People don’t go to war like that. The president gives his orders to the army officers and they order their solders to fight.
Me: Aren’t soldiers people? They can refuse to fight. Both armies can.
Mom: Soldiers have to obey orders. People have to obey their governments too. Who break the law go to jail.
Me: If all people refuse to obey about fight, who is going to put them in jail? If the police, army and people all refuse to fight. They are too many. The president can’t put them all in jail by himself.
Mom: But the president is not alone he has his followers and they will obey him in whatever he says.
I didn’t understand, because those followers are fewer that the rest of the people.

Few minutes later
Me: Mom, why there is no war between Baghdad and Basra or Mosil?
Mom: Basra and Mosil are so far from Baghdad.(she was laughing)
Me: Well, what so close to Baghdad? Any city and Baghdad!
Mom: Because we are one country.
Me: But there are different cities and they have different residents.
Mom: Yes, though we all have the same government and one president.
Me: Doesn’t each one have a governor?
Mom: Yes.
Me: What if each one wants something different and they don’t agree to any compromise the government suggests.
Mom: All the cities in Iraq have one army which consists of all these cities residents. The army can’t split and fight themselves! Beside the government don’t suggest solutions but order the governors if they don’t obey they will be replaced.

I liked this idea so much. It took me few minutes before I came back to mom so happy and excited.
Me: If I have an idea to end the war to whom should I talk? Should I talk to people or we tell newspapers and TV?
Mom: Maybe you should tell me and we will see. (She was smiling. I didn’t like it; is it mean she doesn’t take me seriously?)
Me: If all the countries of the world have one government, one president and one army. There will be no wars (I was so excited. How could it be that in thousands years none thought in this)
Mom: There is an organization called the UN. (She explained to me in details)
Me: If so, why there are many wars?
Mom: They made many decisions to end the war but the presidents didn’t accept it.
Me: See it is not what I meant. If there is one government and one army, they will obey orders.
Mom: It took them so long to form the UN. They won’t be consent to more.
Me: why???
Mom: Like example each country will like to be the capital and have their president to rule the world. Each country has different system and laws.
Me: They can’t stop it only for that! (I didn't understand why they were so stupid and selfish)

I couldn't believe that my idea was impossible. It was the subject of my play for months to prove how possible it was though I made it larger, my play was about the unity of the inhabitted planets ( I used to spend good deal of the day in a room inventing stories and acting it. I was all the characters. I stand on the chair and be the king and say his part then go down to be the servant or anyone else. each story could take weeks)

Christmas

2005-12-25T03:00:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas America.
Can I say my wish? yes, I can .

I wish for one day the parts of the brains where sad and bad memories are saved just be blank, this world will change by the flood of love in one day.

Forgiveness

2005-12-19T18:00:00.000-05:00

I found this somewhere in one of my diaries

“Can angels forgive this pain?
I am not an angel!!
If I forgive, from this hell I will rise and
heal
But I am not angel!
Even if I was, what angel can forgive all this
pain?”

after that time maybe angels can’t!!... but we can.

Tomorrow Was Here

2005-12-13T11:52:00.000-05:00

1990, that year I found a book with a friend, it was so mysterious. I borrowed it, to be possessed with it all day and when I slept it was by my side. I was still believing in a country and a glorious future for it and for me. I believed in power and victory. The book was talking about the future telling stories that will happen in the coming years and stories of the past. I read the future the way I wanted it to be. I was so excited, there will be many changes in the world after many wars and the world will witness a new age, the new age for me meant nothing but the unity of my nation. The book specified that wars will take a place in 2001, 2002, 2003, 2005, and I am not sure 2007 and 201? I don’t remember. He describes the wars with details of battles, armies with high technology were fighting; I concluded it is in the west. There was a verse talking about a brutal leader ruling the city between two rivers, he will make it drown in blood and fire. The explanation below the verse which was written by an author after few hundred years of the verse’s time was fuzzy, the city for him was look like Paris but the other details made it unfit. After 1991 war my friend and I were sure that it had happened thinking it was Baghdad in the 1991 war.
I was so eager to live the new millennium. I wanted time to move so fast, it did. Ihave never imagined these future world wars will be over my head. I never imagined what is that future would be. I wanted to live in tomorrow, and tomorrow answered. Tomorrow came like a storm and threw me out of time.
The tomorrow I waited for has left. Now I have no tomorrow to wait. There is no magic hidden for me. There are only numbers changing with time. I am not a fool any more (I think), it is not the time that left for me to live but the things that left to be done, the beliefs that left to be examined.
America, don’t wait for tomorrow. Don’t be fooled. Just live, there is no time as precious as today. There is no future as sweet as the next breath.
I will leave this pool of blood and fire but I will come back although the dreams I have telling me that I will be buried alone. It doesn’t bother me where to die if I will find someone to bury me, nothing I want more.
Tomorrow was here America.
Tomorrow has just past by.
And I am free of one more lie.

'Guilty'

2005-12-12T17:56:00.000-05:00

I don't understand. Why we have these strong habits? When the way you think changed why the language you use doesn't. There are a certain issues when I talk about or write about I find my self using the old way the old words, an old part of me. It is not clear!
America, you can help me. Why is this happening? Like example, I read my previous entry and I just couldn't like it. I changed little to make some points clear but I can't like it. There is something wrong. There is something old still trying to survive. It is not that easy. Not just the last post, many things; small things, words, habits, moods…
How do things change? There is nothing in common between the two worlds I move between.
Maybe I didn't change the way I think, I only changed what I believe in. So !!!

Two days ago there was a well known journalist talking about Iraq. He is an Egyptian has weekly show in an Arabic gulf - state TV. He said it very smart. His point was, resistance will never die in Iraq and GWB is in trouble because the resistance is winning. I felt strange, am I the only one who don't see it this way?
He meant the 10 American soldiers died in Anbar days ago.
In the past I saw and judged this way too. It is disgusting. Why the nationality of someone make a difference in his life worth? Why if he doesn't like GB he can be happy for the death of 10 human beings? As long as it harms a president it is okay!!!! Why a word in passport can change the meaning of our death? why they rank dead people, civilians and soldiers then the soldiers are not equal, they are Iraqis or Americans and the civilians are men , women and children?
During wars they count soldiers as if they are not people. They were just numbers, numbers to find out who is winning the game. I have always thought about this stupid point of a uniform that makes it legal to kill or be killed.
I just remembered one of my deleted posts titled “guilty”. In a way we are guilty!

Last Friday: All That He Said to Remind Me!!!

2005-12-11T21:07:00.000-05:00

updated.

Dec.10 , 2005
We have electricity ON and this is not our time so I thought I can write. I made my self a cup of tea. It is 3 am now. I can’t go back to sleep, screams and loud arguments out on street woke me up two hours ago and I can’t sleep again it is my second sleepless night. Last night the same happened but it was scary, I’d better talk about yesterday from it is first hours. last night I slept while I was watching TV at the living room, my mother was trying to wake me “go to your room, it is uncomfortable and cold here” “okay I will go but not now. Just leave me” I was asleep saying anything . “I would let you but it is not safe here, you know these windows need no more than one push to be opened” this worked the last time I slept here but not again. Suddenly we heard a hard knock at the kitchen door. It was 1 am . my mother was shaking “ who is this?” she whispered to me “who you think it is? American soldiers, a gang, insurgents running or maybe a relative in emergency..” I jumped upstairs “Mom, American soldiers don’t knock at midnight they break in. the phone is in my room I am going to get it. You go to dad and I will ask for neighbors’ help” my heart was beating and my lips were dry and it was very cold. I couldn’t remember any phone number I was holding the phone when I heard my parents “come down it is okay” I went down with the phone in my hand “what are you saying I am dialing” I was shaking. “He is that stupid guy” my father said. “What guy? it is 1am” “the neighbor’s guard, Imagine he said, the power was ON and we didn’t turn off our generator” my mom was explaining. “is he insane? He should knock the outside door! He can’t open it and knock the kitchen to say, turn off your generator!” I was mad, I was scared to death thinking of what the gang going to do, and will they shoot someone? And even how much we can pay when they kidnap one of us.
I went to my bed but it wasn’t easy to sleep I was thinking that maybe it was better when tanks were here. They used to spend about 6 hours a day and most of the night here for the last months. They were always here since war but till Feb. They came only on patrols and some times they check houses and when there was fighting in Faluoja they went on the roofs of some of the houses by the high way, it wasn’t regular. Between Feb. to Oct. they came every day. they learned many things and knew most of the people gradually. But since they left there were kidnapping and robberies. Since they left there have been more bombs and shooting. It is true when they were here we always feared RPG attacks although it never happened. After all last night I was thinking ‘maybe it will be safer if the tanks back’.
Hardly I could sleep again. With some unpleasant dreams that finally mixed with my mother voice “ get down here. American HUMMVEE” she had to repeat before I could distinguish reality from dreams. “So what mom. I want to sleep” I needed to sleep. “Come down here. They are not like usual” when I was down I looked “mom, what is unusual” there were nothing only a HUMMVEE in front of the house and some soldiers walking. “Soldiers are walking around and they are talking” what does it mean for God sake she woke me for this “they came for the guards’ weapons like last week” I gave my expert opinion then I went back to sleep. I was relaxing to recover from the horrible night when the phone rang, mom in panic “S, she is saying they are knocking at our door and we are not opening.” God… I want to SLEEP “okay I am coming, don’t panic” I wore a big jeans on my pajamas (I call it pajama jeans. I always wear it over one), and run down, I have to run down they are not the tanks guys they are new here, can’t guess what they are. My ears were not fine because of the cold, I can’t hear clearly. When I get the door a soldier said “sorry to bother you” is it my ears or he is polite? I was surprised “well I was sleeping” he deserved a friendly answer. “We wake a lot of people” wrong, completely wrong, when a soldier say that first thing jump in my head is 2 am raid. Well I can pass some mistakes; after all he can’t guess what Iraqis thinking of. “We are searching all the houses in the street” nice start “do you have a gun?” what should I say I can’t call the thing we have a gun, it was without bullets for months that is why I called it the rod “yes” I had no choice “but we don’t use it, don’t know how?” he was smiling “can we see it?” the guy was polite! “Sure!” I said with big smile, it was silly question, can they see it? What if I said NO ? It is funny. Soldiers say ‘we want to see it’ not ... He was polite! they have a procedure to do things. I was walking to the kitchen they followed me he said “maybe you should sell it” he was laughing. “Good idea” I really liked it “but none gonna buy it, there are many guns everywhere. Do you want to buy it?” they were walking behind me beside the garden on the way to the door so I couldn’t see who said “I love guns” someone else “well maybe!” I went to my parents’ room to get it, it was my first time carrying it, I never touched it, I hate guns. They were at the kitchen when I gave it to him. One of them opened the fridge!!!! Wrong move again, we don’t keep bombs in fridge! I was thinking of going back to my bed after they leave. they saw it, wasn’t that all? (a friend, R told me that one family’s house was searched, the whole family was smiling to soldiers and all what soldier did was leaving after putting a foot in the kitchen!) I was thinking that I will go to bed soon. they started to negotiate the price of the gun although it wasn’t serious I hoped they take it for free but it wasn’t my day “we want to take a look around” what can I say “sure!” Sleeping plan gone by this so I shifted my dreams to breakfast, I was hungry.
There are two kinds of uniforms soldiers wear. That they wore was the kind I don’t like, It refers to impolite, and rough soldiers (I have a personal experience). I asked him about what they are. He kept repeating “just army, new army!” uh they are either marines or military police but why he didn’t say, I am ignorant on the field. He didn’t miss the usual allusion to his origin which is not US, many Americans do that. The other guy asked “do you have mass distraction weapons?” I smiled “Maybe in the garden! You have to dig” as we laughed the interpreter whispered to me in Arabic “he is talking about nuclear bomb”!!!! I thanked God that I didn’t need his brilliant interpretation. It was a routine search.

He was smoking a bad cheap kind of tobacco (that spoiled my super rule to know if Americans spent the morning in front of the house; every afternoon I come home, I just look for Moor and Marlboro remaining) when I asked him “why?” he broke my heart with a look, there was a hidden tear “is it bad? So what, maybe I’ll die here” "no you want" I wanted to tell him that none deserve to die here. The young soldier (too young to be in a war) drew my attention; he was sitting on one knee holding his gun ready to shoot. “What is that?” I was about to laugh “what is he doing? … nice pose don’t move I‘ll bring my camera” I run up to my room thinking it is my chance to take the photo I dreamed to take, a soldier in dangerous position like this in my house to send it to some of my family with a note like ‘ GET ME OUT OF HERE!’ they will send me a visa right after. I took a photo then another one, but he disappointed me, he put his gun down. “You will be famous, you will be a star!” I was joking and he was embarrassed though he didn’t get up. He should get up it was silly, they searched the houses in front and beside ours so why he was ready to shoot that direction? plus there were many soldiers on street. I wanted to tell him that they gave him that silly role because of his age.
He moved later to another spot with the same knee thing and gun
“why you do this?” I said .
“anything could happen. There might be shooting from there” there was only the house they have just searched before us!!!
“no one will shoot you” I tried to convince him. It is makes everyone nervous. It wasn’t necessary. He got up later but he was looking from side to side expecting a ghost to appear. He is too young to be here.

It was all fine. I didn’t argue or say any cynical word like usual. Is it because they started right in a nice way? Or it was because I missed the tanks? Or maybe it because I didn’t remember the soldier Tony or the first message soldier? Those two fill my head every time I see a soldier. Or because I did a little sweet revenge when I treated tanks guys like Mr. aggressive has treated me when they stayed in our house for some hours once before? or because I was thinking often lately about those soldiers same way I did on the 8th of April, 2003 before that soldier shocked me with what he said? Was it because what I felt last day after that part of movie I saw? I don’t hate soldiers but every time I see them there is something I remember makes exasperation raise in my blood like a photo or something one soldier said or did. This time I just didn’t remember anything.
we talked of few points when I said:
“it is the first time I have a conversation with solders(I didn’t remember Tony) it is arguments … do you think I am aggressive?”
“No!! You are not” it was strange for him to hear the question.
“Soldiers said so”
The look in his eyes, the expression on his face and … I don’t know but I thought I could hear what he was thinking ‘if soldiers before me believed so, there must have been some reason. Maybe she is a … or… I shouldn’t trust her. Why I feel like some one will jump from the back of the house to shoot at my head?do I have to sSearch again?’
“Why? I don't know... you confuse me” he said
“I don’t know. They do things that irritate us. Some of them are bad...” uh this word bad slipped out of my mouth before I realize that I used the wrong word “I mean they treat people badly sometimes or …” I don’t remember what else I said but I did say many things.
“Maybe it is just a misunderstanding, when we ask a man if he has gun and he say ‘no’, we know he is a liar. We go and search the house and we find guns...Sometimes they don’t speak English and they don’t get something we say right”
“Well I speak English. But there still..”
“You speak English well. From school? Did you studied English?” that was the interpreter
“No… I don’t know I read sometimes”
“ you know what happen sometimes” there was some wicked smile, he looked to the guy beside him with an expression that meant something I was so stupid not to get “we see a girl and we say things between us like ‘hey dude, look at that girl. Doesn’t she look cute’ so she doesn’t know what we were saying” he was talking and laughing. I knew there was something wrong. Doesn’t that remind with something? Remember … nothing. (Stupid girl! maybe he was just lucky) the talk kept going I remember when talked about why they avoid looking in people eyes"it is not nice talking to someone looking at the other side" .... “but it is not comfortable, I don’t like someone look in my eyes when he is talking to me” he got closer.. looking in my eyes “like this” he was silly and he really scared me “not like this” I put the camera before his face as he was so close “stop” and took a picture.
I asked him “can I hold your gun just to take a photo?” he was still suspicious and I enjoyed the various feelings and thought his eyes reflected though it was dangerous. I could see it so clear when he imagined me holding his gun and shooting him “no I don’t think so” he was thinking do I look like a fool “oh yeah you are right I might ..”the idea made me laugh, I have never hold a gun before in my life. You can read it when someone think ‘is she is a part of … will some guys attack while we are talking’

The talk was on till he finished his second cigarette and was about to throw it on the floor “YOU DON’T DO THIS!” I said and he was like ‘WHAT?’
“That is another thing soldiers do. Wait here” I went to bring an ashtray. He waited for me laughing “what else wrong we do?”
“You throw your food bags and bottles everywhere! In front of the houses!” while I was talking my mother gave me signs like ‘enough’, signs like ‘neighbors might be watching’ so I said “I don’t know… many things. Give me your email and I will send you a list” I wasn’t so serious but he took a notebook and wrote it while the guy beside him was whispering “you won’t give her that one!” he gave it to me. While I was looking at it “maybe you I will send many bad things” uh... I knew what he shouldn’t give me; it was his real official email address.
At the outside door “do you hear many shootings here?” he asked
“Everyday shooting and explosions”
“You are close to the highway” he was on street “I will be scared if I live here”
“We got used to it, we are not so scared”
…………..
I don’t remember all the details.
....
Later after they left I didn’t felt well, I couldn’t eat, I have just drunk milk coffee and started to clean the house. How I hate Fridays! It was a busy day. but I found a space to write him some 'rules for soldiers in iraq' I didn't send it. I was exhausted at night, didn’t sleep much when the scary sounds woke me. Now it is 5 am. Power is off.
………….
next day:
I couldn’t sleep after that at all. I was thinking of different events when ‘Eid’ rushed in my mind. Ooops, how stupid?
How could I ever forget the last Eid! They are the same soldiers. Oh God I was talking to the wrong guys. All that he said to remind me!!! . They were the same impolite rude soldiers I found my self among last Eid! It is hard to remember soldiers faces (we see a head not a face, the face is not so apparent) I only remember the interpreter a little. All that he said to remind me!!! They were lucky that I didn’t remember... Not so lucky I still have his email!

American soldiers this morning in my house again

2005-12-09T04:30:00.000-05:00

"do you think I am agressive?"
"no!"
"well soldiers alaways accuse me of being aggressive"
"you confuse me" he looked so unsure and little suspicious!

to be continued

Lord of The Rings

2005-12-08T12:36:00.000-05:00

Last night I did one more foolish unwise watch of a movie , I watched the last hour of lord of the rings. It was a curse left me so confused and lost again. I can’t stand whatever puts me on the edge or even ask the question of death and life. I can’t refuse to watch a killing scene but also I can’t stop what comes after. I felt guilty for being alive…. again. the question raised more than before what have I really done in the last 32 months? What if those who died that day were alive, what would have they done by now? Why I was picked to live and those were picked to die? They didn’t just die they died in …
Why am I still alive? I was walking between two walls of my room, ‘I will lose my mind soon’ I was thinking. “death is just a path” that was in the movie.. That is wrong he should say “life is just a path”. How should I live? Do other people ....? What does life mean?... “Now we can have peace. Now we may share” from the movie. Why we have to kill each other before we SHARE? Why must we have a winner to have peace?
I took a bath, I prayed. I haven’t prayed for the last month, this relation with God must be solved soon. I went to bed at 2:30 am.
On the morning I repeated the breathing game to be able to go to work with a smile.

Letters to America: #4 Breathe

2005-12-06T14:47:00.000-05:00

America, it makes me sad, all those people who can only see the ugly face of life because life let them see no more. It makes me sad to see my city everyday. She is getting old, she is about to die. When I look at Baghdad I have a desire to bury her alive not to watch her die so slow. I am looking for my memories and find nothing left for me in a city that lost her face and lost her mind. Few days ago I was in the car going home and I couldn't hide my pain my eyes were filled with tears but before I cry I took a breath, felt that I am exist and looked again from the edge of life I have reached once . It all turned to fog, turned to a line in a page in a history book, turned to mere lies. The breath I take is true. Happiness rushed in my blood like adrenalin in sudden shooting times. I couldn't stop the smile, how joy it was to breathe. When I was home I was breathing and laughing. How easy it is? How fun? I full my lungs with air and think all that air is mine! Till I noticed when I exhale that I can't own it. I only can have it for seconds then give it back. Like my body. Like Iraq. Like Baghdad. Like this world. It is not mine. The air I breathe was in the lungs of terrorists, soldiers, animals, thieves, killers, presidents and beggars. It is mixed with gasses out dead bodies decay, smoke of a cigarette or smoke of burning cars and people with the smoke out of your fireplace or your Bradley. I only can breathe. For Baghdad I can't choose a destiny of a city but I can only live it. I can't choose the world I want but I can only live in it. Because it is never mine. He owns it. He watches it. I can only live a true life. I can only take care of what he own for some time before I leave. I am only here for a while to discover who I am.
America, I feel peace ….. I feel free.
America, I can't belong to lies.

Elections!

2005-12-04T14:09:00.000-05:00

America, it is elections again. I remember the first one, it was a challenge for me like for all who went that day to poll centers. I didn’t like any list that time but I said I will vote for those who can represent me best in writing the constitution draft, I went there for the constitution and they disappointed me when they wrote that draft. That wasn’t my only reason. When people argued about it I said I don’t know much of those names either, I am going there not to choose a government but to choose the method, choose the language we should use to agree or disagree with each other.

Now another elections is close. I read some of those candidates programs and laugh. One of them put law and justice his last point, it is no. 17 and human rights and people equality no. 12 but his first, his no. 1 is “all resistance actions are legal and legitimate by all means”. If he really believes in this why he wants to be part of the government? All he wants is money and power ‘by all means’. The real joke is another man who wrote "Iraq is my priority" and "I am with all resistance actions but not with terrorists" America, do you know who that guy is? You know! I told you about him here.

Happiness Keys

2005-11-29T05:10:00.000-05:00

Three keys for happiness: salad, lying in my bed, and feeling alive. Still have time for my show. Still have time in my body.
I am at work now. when I get home I like to say more... maybe today!
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Update: I wrote about one of the keys here.
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Another update: I wrote about a key here.

#3: Fragile

2005-11-24T02:02:00.000-05:00

I have many thing to say. I have many things to do. I have many old beliefs to forget. I have darkness and I have light, but those stupid creatures terrified me. They are stupid just like I was. What is wrong with them America. It is long way to the truth I have just realized that I was wrong . I want to know. They are going the wrong direction in high speed and believe it is right. I am afraid, they are talking too much and I am not sure my small candle can survive the storms. When I read what they write I feel lonely. I feel so unsafe. I will not read anymore I will write for you here and about me on my other space of freedom. I will find my truth. They can be proud, liars, selfish or blind. They can create hatred and accuse each other. I need to build my peace castle before I go under fire. I want to fly America, I can't let them tie me in cave.

#2 Girl to Girl

2005-11-18T13:08:00.000-05:00

America, I use to have a friend. She is an old lady. She was great. She was glorious. She smells like clay. Her color like gold. Her voice takes to heaven. Her heart like a river always can forgive.
I am sad America, she no longer listens to me. She is deaf now. Her eyes covered with smoke. She no longer sees me. Some said she lost her mind all she is doing is drawing scary things with flesh and blood and cry all day all night.
I feel so lonely. In my language you are a female. A piece of land can be a lady. You are so far. You smell like sea. You were hiding till some man violated your privacy and push you to lights. Maybe you can be a friend. We can be friends; from girl to girl we will talk.
We are not scared of the future we see. I wish I can change the future for you and you wish you can change the past for me. It doesn’t matter America, we will survive. I am sorry that you can’t talk my language and I am not so good in yours, but I’ll do my best and I am sure you will understand.
I will tell you something about me. I use to think that my old lady, my old friend, was my only mother in her last minutes sane she told the truth. She told me that no land can own me; I’d better be free never believe a story of history never die wrapped in a flag. “Don’t follow the colors that drawn on cloth, don’t follow the dust your body made of, don’t follow words. Your soul knows the route. Your steps will lead you but be aware those who have no wings will never let you fly” she told me. is it sounds as if she lost her mind? But I think of her words everyday lately and she wasn’t so wrong. What do you think?

Song

2005-11-15T12:47:00.000-05:00

Oct.28,05
I open the folder I once saved in many songs I like or dislike. I hold down the up button with my eyes closed then click to see the song of the night . this night he says:

“I wanna feel this way longer than time
I wanna know your dreams and make them mine
I wanna change the world only for you
All the impossible I wanna do”
She says:
“I wanna hold you close under the rain
I wanna kiss your smile and feel your pain
I know what beautiful looking at you
Here in a world of lies you are the truth”
Together:
“Every time you touch me I become a hero
I‘ll make you safe no matter where you are
And bring you anything you ask for nothing is above me
I am shining like a candle in the dark when you tell me that you love me”

Every time I hear this song I laugh like a child, the headphone was on my ears for about two hours listening to this song. So simple so naive so pure… No history no future the present moment that seems to last beyond time limits. Now I understand my ancestors. The mystery of one of the Gods that always exist in their civilizations and cultures. They had one God for love and war?

Letters To America #1

2005-11-12T01:13:00.000-05:00

America, what I feel about you? What I want to tell you? I hate talking too much, I hate talking.
Can we start from the end can we say the truth.
What is the truth? I can’t talk to you as any Iraqi. One day I have lost this privilege.
When I was a child it didn’t matter much to me, the nationality. Your country means the place you live in. the world was one to me and should be one. Later from TV, radio and school I have learned how to feel my nationality. They told me, we are fighting Iran to protect our Arabic homeland. They told me Iraqis are fighting for their brothers. It must be so important that Arab homeland that we do all that to protect, my uncles were taken to war my father has been kidnapped and sent to war many times. They said it is honor when you fight for your country or die. I knew war was bad because I saw many women crying and weeping when they heard about the death of one of their families. Death that time was so mysterious for the child I was, it meant someone won’t come back. But all that people do when someone won’t come back was weird. What if he won’t? Why they were crying? Anyway he wasn’t there he was in the war area so what difference it makes? As long as it cause all that pain it had to be bad.
Something else was bad in war. All the good things alders were talking about these were available before the war. The wonderful things we will do when war ends! So many little things from here and there made me, I was under 6, so busy in thinking how can I end this war!
When I was older than 8 the way I looked to it was different. That age I was thinking of the victory and revenge. I was so patriot. I was Arab first and Iraqi second. Arab homeland comes first anything else means nothing. Proud of the glory of this great nation I hold. If we die for this nation it is good. Arabs were talking too much about the heroes of Iraq, sometimes I wondered why they don’t come and fight with us if it is for the good of all of us? I read all newspapers I found everyday; I listen to TV and every word at school.
I heard the stories of how we lost our unity when British cheated Sharief Hussein Bin Ali and steal the land they promised to help him get if he fought Ottomans. He fought for them and they gave him their evil plan to cut this nation apart and treat Arabs like slaves. They were bad just like Iran who wanted to take our land and take our freedom with their fearful regime. At that age I knew what does enemy mean. For me Iranians were only enemies, enemies mean another kind of creatures not like us. Till one day when the TV showed some fighting tapes. It wasn’t new for us they do that after every battle (families didn’t allow children to watch it, but it is really hard to control all the time). The tapes included the scene of the field after the end of the battle. The scene was nothing but things like burned cars and weapons, captured soldiers and sometimes dead bodies. A dead Iranian soldier with bloody face where the flies were … my mother cried. I didn’t understand, he was enemy! ‘Mom he is not Iraqi soldier, don’t cry he is Iranian’ what a shame my childhood carries. What a shame you are war. He was Iranian! He was enemy! It is okay if he was without face, he is evil. It is okay if they showed his dead body on TV he was enemy pig. My poor mother was shocked, she said, ‘he is a human being what does his mother feel now? What if she saw her son? Does she know what happened to him?’ it was the first time I think they are humans and they have mothers and maybe daughters like me. I will never forget this accident. It is when I knew that death was more than I thought, and you can feel sad for enemy. I believe I have lost my enemy gradually since then.
Right now as I wrote those lines I am crying for him. Can I tell him now after 20 years that I am sorry? I am sorry, I didn’t know that you were not my enemy I didn’t know that there are no enemies. I wish you can forgive me. I still see your face with blood and flies. I see you laugh at me. You don’t care now. You want to help me! Can you help me? Just tell me it didn’t hurt. You can’t! Yes it did hurt but you forgive me. How can I forgive my self? How can I forgive them?
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I can’t continue. I didn’t want to write this. I didn’t mean to reach this far. It is so painful. Maybe later I can finish. Finish what? What was the point? Yes, what I feel about you America and how I lost the sense of nationality! No, I will do something else I will show you what war did to me. It won’t be important how I feel, but how you feel. I won’t re read this even for spelling check; if I do I will delete it

To Someone

2005-11-09T11:10:00.000-05:00

I miss you. I don’t know why? There in nothing for you to do in my life; there is nothing to say nothing to be nothing to mean. There is nothing won’t go right if you are not here, but I miss you. There is no emotions there is no secrets there is no special moments my memory can keep . There were no big favors no gifts no help in life decisions that may remind me life long of you but I miss you . There is not a lot in common, we talked too much without know much about each other we have changed nothing in each other but I miss you and I will miss you.
Maybe all I said was a lie maybe not. Maybe you are the only one who knew how to make me hear myself saying things I have never knew it is in me before.
I am a selfish person. All I care about is discovering what is in the dark corners of my soul. And you knew that magic and used it with me like with many but what I don’t understand is what I did to made you once so interested in my dark corners. It is not my business. I am so selfish it is yours to know about your feeling.
But why do I really miss you?

As I smiled for a normal goodbye. I wasn’t thinking of anything. It is just another person will leave forever. Goodbye is part of my life as everybody show to leave and live to die. Hours later I felt the pain. Hours after I let my self confess . I will post it to America because none in America will understand why I wrote this especially you.

American Soldier Asked: Have you seen bad guys?

2005-11-08T12:55:00.000-05:00

Early this year I‘ve received one new knock. One new-old issue but it was my first time so close to it, not a rumor not a ‘maybe’ kind of doubts. just real and the evidence was in my hand. There was some chaotic time at work and many things mixed up. It was how I found that contract under my eyes. I still remember when I turned the pages was curios about some technical sides of it but numbers were so big to let the pages turned. I was repeating “WHAT!” I sat on a chair to have a breath. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t totally figure out the whole thing together. I took it home. The names were big just like numbers. Back home, my safe castle, I read it carefully again. Simply high class corruption. I cried and later lost any ability to talk or gossip and laugh with friends. My family only knew about it. They gave me the counsel to be silent “please don’t discus it with anyone especially Americans” it was good advice and I discovered with my mouth closed more. There was nothing for me to do about it. Ironically, it was not a secret for the high level employees. They didn’t care about it, first it was from the top and second they see much more everyday. For me I lost hope in Iraq completely that day. You can stop violence one day, you can put criminals in jail and you can stop the kidnap of people from their homes, you can enforce law one day and of course you can rebuild the country soon but you can’t do that with corruption. High level corruption is the most dangerous threat face Iraq. The threat that none consider dangerous as terror if not more. It will soon destroy what left of the society structure. What kind of creatures those leading by example now with these modern Iraq work ethics. They are rich but stealing all the little that poor could get and flee to Jordan.
I was in such a terrible state for winter and spring. In my diaries I wrote
“
Winter is leaving.. Leaving me lost and confused feeling lonely sad and aimless
I just fall … I just stop to feel alive … just woke up to find another sky…
another sun … another air... I can't run out … I am locked in that mood … can't
breathe … keep crying all day but tears do no good
I can't take this life
anymore …just can't continue.”

The day march 3, 2005 I wrote this was that day I had this argument with a soldier just to make things worst.

I was distracting my self with a silly movie when I heard my mother about 2 pm “what is this? come and look. What is going one?” she was at kitchen.
Me: “what ?” I cried without moving.
Mom:” Americans are filling the street”
Me: “ so what!” I couldn’t believe she was so scared for that “they are here everyday!”.
Mom: “ not like this. A tank in front of our house and big gun right to our kitchen, they will shoot us if any thing happened. I am afraid to move or close the door!”.
I went there and it was like she said “ what are you doing there ?” she was at the far end of the kitchen afraid to walk across the window “mom, if something happened if they shot this direction, that wall would be like the glass it won’t protect you”.
Mom: “don’t let them see you they might shoot” that is too much.
Me: “ they won’t shoot me. I will close the outside kitchen door, okay?” I was trying to stop that strange panic for just a tank and some soldiers. She was asking me to be quiet and slow that’s why I slammed the door “see they didn’t shoot”.
Mom: “what if someone shoot them?”
this conversation was going nowhere plus it was lunch time and the table was by the kitchen window .
Me:“ okay look, do you want me to go and talk to them?”
Her face glow “can you?”.
I walked the way to the front door without any of the soldiers noticing my existence, what if I was holding RPG?! The guy up the tank didn’t even look my side after I waved! Someone else did (thank God). He was a thin tall with kind smile (thank God). I explained to him with one sentence. He looked at me with this look , he don’t speak English!… he was looking for words! Finally he could manage to say “ we .. don’t shoot”. What to do with this guy? From nowhere a cocky guy appeared. He asked the kind guy and didn’t wait for him to finish his broken words. He looked at me and said “WE ARE HERE LOOKING FOR THE BAD GUYS” he was talking like I was one of his soldiers “HAVE YOU SEEN ANY BAD GUYS?” . bad guys! I wanted to say: what the definition of the bad guys is? Because I know some real bad corrupt guys. “No” I said. He put ugly bright yellow sunglasses. Would you please put them down, I wished to say.
“Would you turn that gun away? We sit there and you scare us” I was hoping he could understand. “WE DON’T SHOOT YOU”. “I know but you can move it a little” I was hoping still. “NO, WE CAN’T. ANYTHING COULD HAPPEN” why he was talking to me like this... he has just reached the point “Yes, anything could happen and the first shot will be to our kitchen”. “NO, WE DON’T SHOOT YOU” he insisted! what makes him so sure? as if I don’t know what it is like when there is shooting “ WE DON’T KNOW FROM WHERE THEY GONNA ATTACK US, HERE… HERE ..THERE” he said many HERE why they picked the HERE of our house for their guns. All the places he was referring to was to some neighbors’ houses like on the right the 75 years old woman, she lives alone and the others where a widow with two little boys and so on. I was already feeling terrible. I am not in the mood of explaining and arguing “look, there is only me with my mother in this house. None will attack you from here” I began to lose my patience when he said “WE DON’T KNOW” … God “it is my house and I know.” He shake his head “HOW CAN WE KNOW?” That is it. I lifted my right hand and said mocking “I swear!”. “YOU HAVE BEEN SO AGGRESSIVE. YOU KNOW WHAT? I THINK I AM GOING TO SEARCH YOUR HOUSE”. What was that “aggressive? me!”. I was surprised and angry “it is because I ask…” I didn’t finish I was so angry that I though I would rather yell at him but I had to keep my self under control “okay” I maid a step back and opened the door little more “go ahead” I was speaking in a normal clear voice with a clear sharp look in his eyes or the shadow of his eyes behind the ugly glasses “I have nothing to hide” I encouraged him by my head and hand move.
I don’t know why he didn’t seem ready to do it. Maybe he didn’t have enough men. He turned his face back for a moment before he showed me a new face, calm but with angry eyes and completely new voice tone “is there anything bothers you here?”
My hand was slightly shaken. I am not that kind who deals with anger and I have been irritated enough. Now he doesn’t know what was bothering me! It would be nice if I said you or your stupid glasses… instead I spoiled his attempt to end it smart and said with a nice voice “no” I was looking in his hard angry eyes with calm steady look.
My reply took his new face away. He looked aside, took deep breath and look back to me. He had a word to say but it required me to say a certain thing first that is why I think he ask the same in different way “is there anything you want me to do?”
I kept my look for a minute. You! No. Someone like you I won’t ask for my life if it was in his hands. Someone treated me this way !no. someone believes that a soldier life a priority not civilians! No.
Someone thinks I am aggressive because I said I am afraid! No. Someone thinks he has the right to threaten me! no.
I shake my head and said “no”. He was upset. He left and I slammed the door murmuring. At kitchen there was my mother waiting to know what happened. All my anger and frustration came out “he said no. He accused me of being aggressive and he threatened me to search the house! Every teenager everyone in this country in uniform, any uniform, everyone holding gun can threaten me, can do what he want. Do I have any rights here? Do I have to steal or hold a gun to live here? …..”
Mom: “What he said?” Did she listen to me?
Me: “He said they don’t know from where ghost gonna attack them….” I was still talking when her eyes filled with tears “what?”
Mom: “Poor boy. He is afraid. He is fighting for his life! Don’t you remember what we lived?”
I don’t want to remember. I don’t need to remember! Mother, did I survive for this? Did I survive a long death to longer one? Did I survive an ugly death for this ugly unfair life? To watch thieves and obey guns order? To control this unbearable anger?
All I could say in cold words was “I am going to eat at the living room. They are staying for hours here.”

From My Diaries;To Hurricane Katrina Victims

2005-10-31T00:56:00.000-05:00

From my diaries, September 05

I watch you since the beginning … each picture, each cry, each scene, each dead body thrown nowhere took me back.
This feeling of lose, anger, depression ,waiting for death … I have listen to stories of people there and cried , I know … Your world disappeared and no other world has shown for most of you yet… if there is someone can understand that person is the Iraqi who lived this hell before.
On TV I’ve heard a soldier said “I haven’t seen any thing like that before, it is Baghdad under water” he was talking a bout looting and violence. I can’t agree with that but I remember the BBC reporter in Iraq after one year of the war he described the situation “it was amazing that those thieves were looting what belongs to the state only not any private property” that was right for the first 4-6 weeks, and one shot by Americans on the first looting days would stop it.
Baghdad was under fire instead of water and you’ve got the worse violence compared with the violence in Baghdad the first weeks.
Dear Katrina victim go to a mirror and you will see a lucky person … if you ever felt sorry and angry just remember that there are others who are locked in their astrodome for more than two years and there is no Houston for them to go.
Just imagine what it will be if something like Katrina hit all over the US? Remember that happened here.
your home city gone! But your whole country still there. In the middle of the crisis you knew that you have a government obliged to come for you at the end.
One man talked about humiliation in taking charity from others (none but his own government). Think of the humiliation we felt when all Iraqis shown around the world as thieves, beggars, dirty homeless or terrorists. Think of humiliation when your rich country receives and ask for the charity from those who lived on your own country help for decades.
It was bad but it is gone. Now most of you maybe just like me after I survived the worse I said ‘I will do and pay anything to erase it from my memory’ soon you will see in this crisis you knew some of the truth that you will live through for the rest of your life.

I don’t know how many of you have the feeling I've got for weeks, that I belong to those who died as much as those who are alive… you saw the ugly face of life but the reason was the nature… how can I describe it , imagine if it caused by human power! .. How merciful God is when humans do all that to their own brothers and accuse God of...

Tom Cruise

2005-10-27T05:59:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was for shopping! Last time I did that was April.
As we were among the crowd I remembered Tom Cruise in his trip to Africa he said "it is amazing the human ability to adapt". People do their best to make their lives seem normal.
Tom Cruise would be wise if he stopped then but he added to the above"how can anyone eat here?". He was visiting a poor child, he called him friend, at his home.
Probably the guy didn’t see that when it is hard to earn food and you are starving you won’t really miss the flowers on the neat dining table.
There were some poor children saying that they love America because America sends them food and help. “That’s how you make a good image of your country. That’s what your charity does, they love America” It was Oprah Show.
What is wrong in that? Poor people are not for sale. Basically she wanted to say donate for Africa but it was like let’s buy Africa. I am sure that those good people who gave their money to African children never thought of buying love. Why you give this idea about Americans? Is it because you don’t know yet that your TV shows in a way reach around the world?

Tom Cruise in Baghdad

I was at a friends’ house for coffee.
R : have I told you a bout our friends, they are X family.
Me: no I don’t think so.
R : there was a raid at their house . They have a daughter about 15 years old. she woke up at 2 am to find soldiers in her bedroom searching and her mother crying there was some wrong information given about her father. You can imagine the search and all the stuff.
Me : you know better they have searched your house before.
R : no that was different it was 2 pm in a routine search. It wasn’t bad. If I woke up midnight and found the room filled with soldiers and they took my father I would do like her, she was crying in panic. One of the soldiers was nice “don’t cry” she didn’t stop “we won’t hurt you”. The walls of her room were filled with photos of Tom Cruise...
Me: bad taste.
R: there were other movie stars and football players too. “Really you shouldn’t cry” he was looking at the photos “would you cry if Tom Cruise was in your room”.
Me : poor kid. He thinks himself Tom Cruise.
R : stop laughing .
Me : I need to find Kevin’s photo! Incase... Maybe I will find him in my house!
R : Good idea . Stop laughing at least he was trying to be nice not like your aggressive guy.
Me: don’t remind me with him. You are right I’d rather have Tom Cruise guy.

THE DISCOVERY!

2005-10-27T02:00:00.000-04:00

Days after the battles of the awful day, April 8, 2003, in his neighborhood one child who was 5 years old heard that Americans were passing. He was in terror he couldn’t hide. His father noticed “do you want to go and see them” the child looked at his father like baba lost his mind. As the father took him to the street he was griping his father’s leg. His heart was beating so fast as the sound of the vehicles announced how close they were. Then he saw them … his mouth was wide opened. His eyes were wide opened. He let his father and run to his mother “Mama … I saw them! They are!!” he stop to take a breath “the American is a man too!!”

WHAT PEACE LOOKS LIKE HERE!

2005-10-19T05:08:00.000-04:00

What does war end like?
I remember how Iraq-Iran war ended. I remember the only time in my life I saw Iraqis happy this way (or in anyway).
When they heard the announcement on TV people filled streets, houses were too small to celebrate a miracle. They stayed all night on streets jumping, waving, dancing ….. The next three days were the most beautiful days we ever lived (national holiday), the last two of them turned into water festival where the young held whatever they could get to fill with water and none get out dry. You didn’t need to know the others to play, infact you had no choice either you sit in your car and close your windows in a real hot summer or accept your share of water. Singers were at streets’ corners on stages singing all night. There I saw Saddam (for the first and last time in my life); he watched celebrations from his car.
For months it was granted in the middle of Iraqis’ conversations you hear “did war really over?” Woke up each morning with a smile “8 years of war ended”. Finally students were thinking of succeeding in the final exams (they intended to fail because it was the only way not to go to war).
On the front lines the test of peace was different .the next morning soldiers from both sides shared their breakfast. Iraqi soldiers and Iranian soldiers after 8 years of war overnight were …..!
War in Iraq is different. Peace in Iraq the only one we lived was different. I am sure within ten years this land will be extremely different from all it was or it is.

SORRY

2005-10-19T01:32:00.000-04:00

I deleted 5 of my 7 posts yesterday. I thought America don't need my letters and soldiers will not walk in our streets next year. I was thinking Iraqis are not angels themselves that is why my blog seems to me full with criticism I have never intended.
My internet connection was bad so I didn't finish my slow delete party.
I was wrong. I am coming back and I will care about it this time.

The First Message

2005-09-21T17:55:00.000-04:00

" we will take the Fidaien's weapons left, the weapons that threat Americans, bombs and mines threat Iraqis . We care about Americans and you care about yourselves" an American soldier.
first words on April 10, 2003 ... The message for Iraqis was like 'you are less than humans' .
He said that when streets were blocked with tanks, no hospitals no police or anything... the area was isolated, there was none to ask for help but soldiers.
He said that to people were under shock and awe , people were till then finding bodies with no name or no head time to time in their streets, houses and gardens .
We lived everyday waiting to hear the screams of injureds or a mother cry the name of her child, dead child.
who took the Iraqis life threat away? an old man ,an Iraqi old man did.

weeks later some kids asked soldiers " why are you here ?"
" we are here to liberate you , we are here for Iraqis"!!!!

Words

2005-09-20T17:11:00.000-04:00

It took me a year to overcome my first impression about Americans I got from the first words of one of the first soldiers ever walked and talked in the neighborhood after the big fight of the 8th of April, 2003.

Why? Not just because it was a shock, what he said, but also because for most Iraqis what a soldier says won't be what a soldier said , not even what soldiers said no .. It is what Americans say.
watch your mouth, watch what you write around and of course what you put on your blogs.
in detail soon.